The Course and Curse of Time
I have finished Book 2 and made sure that it will be published between the next days. Have worked before that on book 4 further. Only two chapters left to finish.
Now I am extremely sad again, cause I am sure that the ringing and knocking on my door I hope to happen by the woman of my heart will not happen, and all I suffered for was in the end, like I expected, in vain. Well, what else is new? I am used to that too good by now. After all I have done, gifted, I am sure, sadly, that it will just keep on going exactly like right now: Pain, suffering without end.
Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, while I die more and more in the process, over the course, the curse of time. Years, yeah, sure. Nah, don't think so. And what makes it even funnier is the fact that while it happens I am able to over and over again witness around me all those who are happy, in their happy time, having the one they love close, their two rings, for all eternity, and nothing will ever end that for these two.
I am happy for them, for sure. The greatest gift is true love. And finding the one person one is searching for, that is just not granted. Some might search for forever. But I am sure I have found the woman I have searched for. But what I find about that, it just does not matter, if her actions are just of distant promises. Maybe, sure, they are true, but in the acting business, especially when it comes to money, how, I ask you, how can that be of trust, of believe? It is always in the light of doubt. But do I want to believe her signs, messages, as true, as honest, serious, of true love, of having gifted herself to me? Of course I want, but it comes the time when there is need of proof. Especially when being more dead than alive, like I am. Sorry, that I have to write about this. I for sure don't want to annoy you all with that.
Well, after what had happened I have no confidence in her closing the distance, it will most likely be like this: Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year will pass, without her being ever on her way, ever here, making right, saving us. But I want to believe that she will do so.
The first chance she has, she will be on her way, into a plane, across some ocean, and then the last parts too, until she has reached my door and the storm of her guilt will happen, ringing and knocking, no matter how long, until I open my door, without giving up, no chance, no, she will wait and fight until I do so, to make the damage caused by her to me right, to save us. And if I then open my door, I can see in her eyes, on her face the true signs of guilt, of having understood. Yes, I want that. I don't want the other option, her giving up on us. And, for sure so, she does not have the right for doing so. I? I do. Cause I went and still do have to go through suffering, extreme suffering, but I never asked of her anything, she did not even noticed. Just believed all is fine. And so with already that, well, how much can I believe her to close the distance, to save us?
It is not like she would not be able so, no one could say so for real. All she has to do in that issue is: Doing it. Buying the tickets, getting into a plane and being on her way, closing the distance. There is nothing difficult about it. It is just a matter of money and money, well, she does have enough. So, what can I expect? Time passing, and my suffering will not end. Instead? She is moving on, leaving me behind. If all her promises, if she was and still is honest, then she will close the distance, come to me, the first chance she has. But if not?
It will mean that she was never honest, it was all show, it was all only to let me be calm, to abuse my work further, cause of hell a lot of money she is earning with it too. I really don't want to think that, believe that, but what can I do? If she is not coming to me, is that not proof for it? No one can say that it would not be possible, cause it just is, she just needs to do so.
Well, I am still alive, she knows where to find me and what I want, have fought for all these years, for what I have suffered nearly now 36 years. But since when is it important what I want? In all these years it never was.
But, well, if she does not come to me, she was never serious regarding us, it is that simple. So I should not find sadness so much in that, because it gives truth after all then, no matter what of the two options is right. If she is honest, the first option she has, the first chance she has, she is already on her way to an airport, get herself into a plane and just a short time after she will be here and knock against my door, ring my door bell, will not leave until having spoken to me, until having made sure of gotten the chance I told her I would give her to explain herself to me, and that for to make sure that regarding her and me all is fine again, that our together life, two hearts, two rings, is not lost. There is no stupid waiting cause of some excuse or so. No, not after all I have gifted. And especially not cause of the fact that I have no strength to keep on going without her long anymore. Why should I? It can go on like this for forever. No, 36 years of suffering is enough and around 8 years of brutal fighting in a last attempt to finally end the suffering is enough too. I have earned the right to rest, to have her finally with me. But if that does not happen, I just have no reason to be alive anymore.
It is not up to me to always keep on going in suffering, I am not alive to suffer only. I have the right, and earned it in the last eight years, to be happy, exactly like I wished, hoped, fought, suffered for. I have earned it. Already two years ago. But, well, that is not how my life goes. It will not end. The suffering. No. Not going to happen. She will make excuse after excuse, find reason after reason to stay where she is, to keep the distance and I will just vanish from this planet, it is that simple. Sure, now it is possible to ask: But what if not? Well, there we have it again, hope, stupid hope.
I hope for you all that you will never find yourself in a situation where you understand what it means to lose hope, like I have. If so, you are going through horror too. I will never wish that to anyone, cause I know what it means, how much tears, how much pain it means, how braking, how cruel it is. It is torture on such high level, that it is just absurd.
I really, really want to give her the chance to make it right, the damage she had caused to me, having put us both into such danger. But, well, the understanding of it, as danger, is if there is truth in her and me, and not just me hoping it, wanting it. If she was never honest? What then? Sure, I should move on then, but problem is: If so, then I still have not found her and she does not have still found me. And so over the course of time, time just turned into a curse, a curse of suffering for me, in some believe that I better keep going, because, well, someday she will find me, right?
What if I have to die to be alive? After 36 years, that question is right to ask. After 8 years of brutal fight to make sure she is finding me finally, that question is right to ask. So, what if, for real, I have to die to be alive? I have no reason, no bloody reason to keep going, but distand promises, just hope. Nothing more. After such long time of suffering, that is just not enough, no matter how much I try to over and over again let it be that. After all, hope can turn out to be not in vain. But after 8 years? After soon 36 years? How much more stupid I shall be regarding Hope? If Revenge is a bitch, well, what than actually is Hope?
If we think about Revenge and Hope as two Godessess, then, sure Revenge is very, very extreme, can be, and does push to cruel, brutal actions, but at least, Revenge does do it with reason, reasons. Hate we all have to learn. There is no situation that is never not of reason when it is about revenge. We need have reason for that. Otherwise: Why exactly? No need to, no wish for, after all we are some lazy creatures. But now think about Hope.
There would be an ever cruel smile on the face of that woman. Eyes not cold, eyes of brutal cruelity. Of knowing to win over and over again, even against the house, cause not even the house can win against her. Just ask yourself: How often do you keep on going, because, well, maybe it will turn out all fine, like you hope for? How often do you wanna give up, but still you keep on going, while at the same time you ask, if you are not starting to be really, really stupid. And while you do so, there she is, Hope, sitting just some meters away, smiling like crazy, insane, but with the calm and cruelty of knowing to have won, again. So you further put yourself into suffering, into believing all will be fine, while you lose at the same time more and more, and the course of time turns into a curse of time. And when you finally give up, or still want to go on, but you just can't, you will maybe say:
"Hope dies last."
And Hope does know, she has won, again, while you lost, again. And so even Revenge will take great distance from her, knows that no matter how much Revenge is a bitch, can be, how cruel and brutal, violent and without logic anymore, in just pure rage, even Revenge does in the end accept defeat and diplomacy at some point. Hope however? No. Hope just keeps on smiling, looking at you with her cruel eyes, of cold, mathematical logic, having gotten through all the options already, and lets you further believe to keep on going, cause it will be right. And there will not even made a mocking laughter of her, no, cause Hope knows the joke already from the first second on, while you have still to understand it.
The course and hopefully never curse of time. For me sadly time turned into a curse. I have the right to leave, I want to leave. There is no reason for me to just further sit around and wait, hope. Hope does not keep me alive. The woman of my heart does. But if the woman of my heart does not reach me in time, while I am alive, to protect, to save us, then I have to ask: Maybe I must die to be alive? I have fought, too long already. I deserve rest, I deserve the woman of my heart close to me, finally, forever, without ever having the need to be without her anymore. I suffered for that nearly 36 years and my writings of hope, of fight, turned into letters of leaving. Well, she knows where to find me. If she wants, she will be here to save us both. In time. Soon, very soon. Without risking us. Over the course of time can be a time of happiness, but when it turns into a curse, then there is no hope anymore. And hope alone should never be the base of the life of someone, it is just not enough. And who ever does not harm someone, never hurts others, deserves to be happy, the way it was wished for. But since when does it matter what I want? Over the course, the curse of time, it, until now at least, did never. Nearly 36 years. 8 years last marching forward. I need rest, I need the woman of my heart, close to me, knowing that she will never ever leave me alone. But I doubt I will ever have that true. I am sorry.
I love you, B, eternally.