26.04.2025_Entry_Data_Loaded_We_will_win_?
Paradise
I worked on my series for hours now. 6 chapters out of 9 of episode 4 of season 1 are done now. Feels good, if it all will go well, like I hoped and fought for, all this time, still do. I have to, right? I'm trying. Maybe the world will have mercy, maybe the machinery will make sure of it all was not in vain.
I'm avoiding Twitter right now, but I should not need Twitter. What I want is clear. What I fight for is clear. It will not change, it can't. Otherwise my action of 2021 would have never been done by me and my newest actions about it not either, cause I am trying to protect it, don't want to lose it. But I will not lie, I never have, I never will start doing so and so I sadly have to admit that I am tired, very damn tired, and really, really want to leave this world behind, not be alive anymore, cause of the shit fact that I have just promises, hope, or more specific: A Maybe. That is just not enough. So if this shit ends not very damn soon, maybe that was finally understood, her and me are not possible to save anymore, at least not in this year, if, and only in some very far, far away future, maybe, in the Mortuary, our Mortuary.
It is warm outside, and inside here too, what is a bit annoying. When it was cold it was easier. Or maybe that is just because the cold is combined with a time when I was stronger and the warmer time is always combined with being in open public over and over again able to see two hearts in their happy time. And most of them even have their two rings. I only have one wish. Writing this let me have tears now in my eyes. No wonder, right?
A war must come to an end, a battle must come to an end. I have only one wish. It was never different, it will never be different. The last years, at least for me, gave me unmistakable truth. Maybe it will be fine, maybe it was not all in vain. I have to stay alive to find out, right?
I am happy for all of you who know the own wishes being true, knowing it the whole time, having found your peace. Do not let it vanish. Fight for it to be further true as brutal, violent as you can, cause if one must regret, one does regret for forever. But a fight must come to the good end, right?
I keep my only wish true, save, and maybe someday it will not be only a wish anymore, cause it got true. But if that Someday is far away, then I will not be able to wittness that, find out. War, battle, it does what it always does: Losing if too long.
Can you understand how much I hate writing in sadness? How much I would like to write something positive being happy? Right now I have here some music playing, about mighty ships of old, journeys to uncharted waters, horizons no one ever has seen before in the hope to find some paradise. Well, what is paradise? Depends on who is asked. For me: Two hearts, two rings, in twinkle light, in all times and all spaces, never being lost. The woman of my heart.
For her I wrote Unlocked. And that "her" is meant in only one way by me, not some other. So, the woman I have written it for does know and does not confuse it now. She knows. Yes, she knows. I have specifically written it for one woman, who reacted wonderfully in January this year. I have not written it for another woman. It is only for her, for her alone and that will never change, cause I am sure to have found her, finally. She is the one. But, I am still here without her. So, am I right about that?
What is paradise, what is that for you? Some need treasure, some need cars, big houses, climbing on a stupid mountain, to put a flag there, fall then down and die, stupidly, for sure, or to just have some farm in some country far away, no one can even have some internet page loaded under 10 minutes. Or maybe it is a combination, of several factors, cause paradise is not something that is to put into one, only one frame of answer. It depends.
But what is about that to put into a very simple, clear frame is to fight for it, to get it true and then never, no matter how much brutal, difficult it gets, to let go, to give up, cause if it will come the time, when one does regret, but like it always is: If we regret, it is damn shit piss too late. So if you have found and gotten your wishes true, keep it holy. With hellish fight, do never let go of it, no matter how painful it will maybe get, cause if you do fight, it will come the time when the fight is over and victory was achieved, if, and that is the issue here, if it got already true.
If there is still only hope, then every second longer in fight will kill, make sure to die inside more and more. There is not something like cutting the own veins open, or to jump off a bridge, nah, no, that is just a panic reaction, a reaction of having lost control. True dying happens inside, without any wish to end it at the moment, without any panic reaction. It is just happening, more and more, over time, slowly and getting rapidly faster. A war, a battle must come to the fought for end, ASAP, or it will kill inside, being still alive on the outside. This is not something of suicide, of self-killing, cause that is only about panic, about having lost control. Real dying, that happens in plain sight, until it suddenly was too late, having lost hope and reason to keep on going, cause being alive is not a trick of cards, of some Las Vegas magic of the big bright lights stages, no, it is of reason. Why should anyone go on, if not having reason?
We jump out of our bed, as a child, for example, because it is finally the morning to find something that was wished for under some stupid tree in the living room, right? And it better is, cause otherwise dad and mom will get some hell they never could imagine!
Or how about being in panic cause you finally got letter of the company you wanted to work for for years and years? You went to school, university, training after, spend hours and hours in some stupid work place nonsense shit with shit few money to earn only, to get over the damn month, worked your life nearly out of your system, and then, finally, you got it, the one chance! Whatever you worked so much extreme for, studied, spend hour after hour, missed stupid parties in night clubs, missed getting drunk, drugged, wasting your life in such nonsense, until you find out years later, well, you should have better listened, but no, you stupid idiot, you spend your time learning and training and then, you got it: The work place!
Or how about this: Finally you got true and unmistakable message from the one you gifted your heart to, in hope to get the love you asked
for? What it all can mean? The hot days and nights, in pure true love sex? Every day, every night is a pure wonder for you two can be with each other? No matter when, no matter where, you can hold each other tight, feel each other, and never need to let go and fear of it being over? The fight for each other, never it is
possible that something can break you two, separate you, never, no chance and then you
suddenly are in the future, far in the future, cause time always wants
to hurt, and you look back into your two past and are happy that you two
were strong enough to not let the chance pass that you two had? Do you remember how your wedding was? The panic, the near black out and messing up all over the place, laughing like stupid and nearly everything was embarassing, something you were ashamed of, but everyone knew that it is not and they are all happy for you two and you two looked into each others eyes, knowing, that money can never give such a gift.
All of this, it all is of reason, of making your heart beat, you getting air into your lungs, making blood rush through your veins, making your brain hurt you over and over again, cause, well, it is a brain. That is just what a brain does. Reasons, we need reasons to keep going. Small reasons, big reasons, few reasons, many reasons, it does not matter, cause one reason alone can be stronger than several, can be, even, the only reason, while everything else that could have been reason, is just simply not of reason anymore.
For me there is only one reason: It is finally being able to feel the touch of the woman of my heart, of her grabbing softly my hands. Being able to look into her eyes, hearing her voice close to me, knowing, seeing and hearing her, being close to me, finally. It would make me come alive again, turn away from the abyss. Not a hope is doing that. But hope, damn hope, is all I have right now, at least it is possible to say so. Nah, not true. I have somewhere on the field lost that part of me, something so minor of my brain now, that it just seems like a bad joke. But something of all I do still have is knowledge. I am sure about having found her. If I push aside the doubts and pain, then I do know, then I am sure about having already found her. And she does know about me. It is up to her, like the whole time. A war, a battle must come to the end it was fought for. What I want, that is unmistakable clear, there is just no doubt, otherwise Unlocked I would have not written. And as long as I am still alive, she is always able to make right, to reach me, to save us. She just has to do it. And maybe, hopefully, I can go on every day strong enough to find out. But I can not make a promise about that anymore. So if it does not happen very soon, I am sorry. But either way, for me Unlocked is always true, cause I am sure that she is the woman I have searched for. But making it true, she does need to do so. Right now I am still alive. And I am sorry for needing to write this. But, maybe, finally it was understood. And maybe, finally, the machinery is working as it should be. Someday, if I am not mistaken, she will reach me in time. What I want is clear. What I need is clear. I have only one wish and I will never let that wish be gone, cause I am sure I have found her. No matter what happens, that will never change, how much I love her.
First it was only about respect, and over the years, the more I worked on my series and so on, the more I found out about her, it is very simple: I am sure I have found her. But she must make it true, not I have to do that. And I am not so arrogant to start a mighty further attack or brutal battle now about that. No. Instead I will just leave, cause in our love, there is not abuse part of, there is not domestic violence, shame and pain part of. Instead: Respect, Honor, Faith and Strength. But it must be true, right? Not on distance in hope, in Maybe. I am still alive, for now. Maybe I will regret that, maybe I don't. It is not up to me to decide that. It is up to her. She is in full control. But no matter what her decision is, I will never put her into a bad light, for all I told her, about our connection, is true, and it will never change. And, yes, I can write that in some happiness, cause I know about her reactions and if I try to believe them to be true, honest, then I know I can write this, cause of her having gifted herself to me. Two hearts, two rings. Developed over time in distance and maybe soon, very soon, true close to each other. But if I fail to be alive that moment then still, to find out, I hope she will forgive me. But I am tired and I will not keep on going for hope, for distant promises. That is just stupid after all this time, after all this fighting I had and still have to go through. I need rest, her, the woman I have searched for for damn shit piss many years and have, I am sure of, found. Right now I am still here. And hopefully this shit place will turn into the start of paradise, her and my paradise. But that does not depend on me, it does only depend on her.
I love you, B, eternally.