I want to have this text here, this page, written mostly like I have back then written about myself, in 2021, in my application, what is why I have mostly copied that text and pasted it. And, yes, I have gotten rid of the spelling mistakes.
Well, fact is, that my life went into some brutal shit now. I am again not able to open stupid EMails, what I have fought for over two months. I am not even able to read what EMails I have gotten. Only when I earlier today, 28.04.2025, created my Discord Profile and my Das Eigengrau Server there, I got it done, cause I knew, knew, that these EMails are about that. Any other EMail I have gotten for around a week and until now, well, I don't know anything about that, cause that is, sadly, again something, that I have lost the strength for. Am I just, once again, sadly, not brave enough anymore to get that done. I see the symbol there, for having gotten a new message, and I instantly get a panic reaction. I have fought over two months to get rid of that, by forcing, overcoming this brutal panic reaction, and was damn happy about that. But, well, the last week or so, made me lose that strength again. In my Twitter profile is easy possible to find out why. All I expect there now is this: Negative shit. More and more nonsense, more and more lies, hate, options for distrust or just the usual shit, and that would be advertisement, spam. Do you believe I got in the last eight years even once, once, a positive, really positive message for me? No, not even once. Or, well, hell, maybe I did, but how do I know? Not being able to check the own EMails, cause of a massive panic reaction, does not happen just because of one bad day. So, sorry, if there was the whole time from then to now something really positive, hell, I don't know, and I just can't promise anymore that I will ever again get it done to check my shit EMail system. I am already afraid enough of Twitter now, cause of the first time my phone will light up because of a new Post made by a specific woman. All the strength I have fought for in the last around six months is just gone, like I had never fought for it.
Well, back in my application I have started with this:
I have lost more than 20 years.
Time is passing, no matter what we do.
Synapses, impulses, connections, a biological mess, combined with doors.
We are not our brain, our brain is part of us.
That is the start of a massive file, that I created in hope, in a very little hope, a massive attack combined with it by me, to make the little hope be not in vain, to make it real. And then it went from massive sadness to very extreme happiness, to joy, to the most strong hope I ever had that my suffering finally ends. And then it went to pure shit. Distrust, isolation, I am back at square one. Now I don't know what I should do anymore, how I can ever get back to that level of strength that I had reached, and trust again. But I want it to be true, I really want it to be true. That is why I earlier wrote on Twitter what I have written there, from 11:00 AM to nearly 01:15 PM. Post after Post, because of massive pain, sadness, lost hope and a try to protect. What will it now mean, for my future? I don't know right now.
But I don't want to write about that again, otherwise I, again, will write that I have not messed up and so on, dammit, no! I don't want that! I want to be finally happy, dammit, and, finally, get rid of all the shit! I want my wife, I want the woman I have gifted my heart to and no more sad, shit times! Nearly 36 years is enough! I don't want that my life gets wasted with stupid neutral or negative messages, why you send me that shit? Keep that shit to yourself! Or are you so extreme in hate of yourself running around, that you always must violate others? Stop giving me shit, just because you hate yourself! I want to be able to open any of my message boxes, no matter if on
Twitter,
my EMail system,
Discord,
in World of Warcraft
or wherever else, in the knowing it is something good, something I have not again wasted my life and the last bit of strength I had! If you hate yourself so much, how about you do something about it, instead of letting others suffer for all your mistakes? These mistakes are yours, so do something about it, something positive, change yourself to a better person, and stop wasting the time of others!
And, yes, I do mean with that already something like this shit Payment System of Discord. Here, this checkbox, here this and that and that and this, and verify that you are human, not a robot, thanks, ehm, here again, are you bloody kidding me? And you wonder why criminals don't give a shit? Stop wasting my time! I have lost not only more than 20 years by now, I have lost hell a lot more! I want to run around too, knowing no shit happens, and I can be happy, in good mood about everything I receive! Especially when it comes to Pamela Rose Martinez!
All I did in the last week was to protect it, to keep her and me close, in the hope and attempt to believe all that was no lie, instead true! But now I am back to square one again, all the strength is gone again! I feel like I'm running in circles! Can you finally all stop messing my life up? It is my life, dammit, mess your own up, if you want, but not mine! I am fighting for 36 years! 36 years, dammit! And the last 8 years I fought without getting money for it, without having any sign of the pain ever stopping, without any hope and only with marching and marching forward, over and over again, for just nothing but hope! Dammit, stop wasting my time! If you can not tell me something good, really positive, then why do you tell me, why do you want me to know? I don't care! Put yourself in front of a mirror and tell yourself! Be happy doing so! Stop wasting my time!
I don't want your advertisement, I don't want your negativity, I want to be, finally, happy, with the woman I gifted my heart too! Is that possible to achieve, after nearly 36 years of me having to suffer? Yes? Thanks! Not everyone is having a good time every day, not everyone is having a good life! How about you finally get at least for a short while out of your little space and take a look to the world outside, to understand that not everyone is happy! Most on this planet are just not and some, like me, are so tired of being alive, that being alive is just extremely annoying! Dammit, all I am asking for is to be happy too and after all that is getting done with my work, I find, I can demand it! But still I am here, without the woman of my heart, getting shit after shit after shit after shit, and still it is expected that I do damn shit piss get my shit together and overcome my fears again, in only hope and trust! I am trying! I am not perfect! If you would suffer as much as I do, most likely after at the latest two years you would run around like insane! I am doing this for nearly 36 years, with eight years of brutal, extreme work to finally reach the end of this shit! So stop wasting my time, thanks! If you can not tell me something good, positive, something I can be stronger cause of, have more confidence, know that my fight is not in vain, why do you tell me? I need good, I need something of strength, not shit! 36 years, dammit! 8 years, dammit! Why do you tell me shit? I want to be able to see any message I got, in good mood, wanting to find out more, what it is about! I don't want to receive any message and then get an instant panic reaction!
Dammit, I am trying to protect, to keep on going, but why is everyone making it so damn difficult for me? Are nearly 36 years of suffering not enough? Dammit. Earning with my work, yes, sure, that is good enough, but making sure that I can be happy, that I don't lose the woman of my heart, hell, that is too much asked or what? I am back at square one again! My EMail system is a curse again! Thanks!
So what do I do now? It is written on Twitter, dammit. And if I have lost everything now, fine, so be it. Or maybe I will receive some positive message, and can be happy, start trusting again and get stronger again, but, well.
In my application I went on with making sure that it is known that parts of me talking about myself are reason to laugh, as I find, but some parts are very, very grim, because of two reasons:
Psychology and
social pedagogy.
Like I have written there, it is not needed to know about these two aspects very much, cause I can not just expect that, no disrespect. It has to do with fairness. And so I am, of course, explaining as good as I can, what I do mean with these two factors and that it is partly, or mostly, very grim, like being next to a car crash, a very horrendous one. Yes, that is my life, a bit. I never asked for that.
Well, if we are close to some horrendous car crash, something we all should do is getting closer, to find out if someone survived, but, of course, that does not come without the high chance of being able to see something even more cruel, horrifying. But we just have to move closer, find out, cause
no one does have the right to ask for help if denying help one self,
at least I find that, it is one of my rules. And no, I do not combine Help with asking for something in return, cause that is just a contract. Help is based on nothing in return, it is based on being a good person, on doing what is just right. If we want others to help us whenever we need help, we better help others, otherwise we are just hypocritical.
This was one of my explanations to read my file back then, and, well, it is an explanation to read this text here now, in the form of a bit more about me, to find out more about me, cause it is, after all, too, a lesson of time, that we all should learn as fast as we can, because we never get time back. I have now lost around 36 years. Great. And no, I tried. And if you check specific files that I have published, then there is all the proof needed to not being to deny that. But now I do sit here, not knowing if the woman of my heart will leave me behind or not, although I find that I have not done anything wrong. And no, I do not care about something else, why should I?
For example, I could be the most rich person on this planet, but then what? If I don't have the woman of my heart, what is all this money be of use for? It just means more sadness.
While I was writing this, I have tried to be strong enough to check an EMail that I received in the meantime, and I did, I got it done. It was about nothing of interest, nothing important, just about: Payment succeeded, Discord does have the money gotten, awesome, thanks! Wow, thanks for that complete non of use message to me, cool. And one does wonder why I do not check my EMails anymore. It is crap like this. For eight years, only. Or mostly? I don't know.
Right now I am getting nausea writing this. My whole life just is going into shit after shit after shit after shit and I try to protect and protect and protect and protect it the whole time, but in true love, two hearts, two rings, for all eternity, well, there are two. And I know, most can just not understand how it is do be alone for eight years, to be isolated for such a long time, being forced to get shit done always alone, without help, no matter if good or bad, and especially the bad parts are alone really, really horrible. There is no one I can talk to, there is no one helping me. All I have to get done alone. And now, again, I sit here, not knowing if my work, my fight is in vain, or if it finally ends in the way I hoped, fought for. Is the machinery making sure of it? Do I get in true understanding the whole time protected, supported, so that I will in the damn shit for real not far away future notice: No matter how much I have messed up, no one accepted that my only wish will not be true and Pamela did, no matter what, never gave up on us, and for sure would never leave me behind? I have, I find, not done anything wrong, cause it is my work, my life, that is on the line here. And I do not have a lot of promises, of distant promises that give me just hope, more hope. That is damn much over. But if I do keep fighting? If I do try to trust again? I am noticing that around me hell a lot is happening, no wonder, after what I did in 2021 and some time in 2022. But still I am now hell afraid again, want to cry, get nausea over and over again, wanna leave, don't wanna leave, hell, what the shit do I know what I should do now? I am the one who is the most annoyed by it, I am! Not you or anyone else, it is me, who is the most tired about all that shit. Do you believe I don't want to be happy too, that I don't want to be able to write positive, stop thinking negative, stop wanting to leave? Imagine: I want to be happy too. That is why I do struggle so much forward, cause no one helps me, cause I have to do all alone, without clear indication for if I am doing it in vain or not! But what if the machinery is making sure of it? Again, I notice that a lot is happening around me. And maybe they all will just make sure, further and further that all will be fine, they are really trying, after they hell messed up, ignoring me for hell a long time, and, especially Pamela is never, under no circumstances accepting that her and my love is gone, lost. What I want is clear. But I am under so extreme much pressure, that I finally need a break from all this! Nearly 36 years, dammit! And if on the whole way I messed up very much, hell, I am damn sorry for that! But I need a stupid final break! But who does not understand all this, damn sure never understood Respect.
In my file I wrote about that. I wrote that it is also a lesson in respecting too and although you don't need to believe what I believe regarding that, I wanted to have written it down, because respecting is one of the biggest social problems of communities world wide.
Were you ever in a Professional Wrestling Training Facility? In all I was it was always said there from nearly everyone:
"Wrestling Fans are stupid, so ignore them."
Ehm, you want them to give you money for your wrestling, do you? And that is just a little hint about Respect. Demanding, asking for something, but not respecting those who it was demanded, asked of. Just think about all the shit happening with Copyright, Trademark and so on. You are bloody kidding me, do you? No one, no one on this planet, and does not matter on what stupid variant of living beings surface for being able to exist, no one wants the own work getting abused, used without permission, especially not when it comes to making money with it. No one will happily say, yes, sure, use my work, while I have only nothing of it, cool! No, no one. And no one wants that to happen with the own work. But still Copyright, Trademark and so on, cause it over and over again gets violated. No respect. While at the same time demanding, wanting to get respected. No, not happening, cause Respect is earned by being respectful.
Well, in my file back then I have written then about a choice to make, about reading further or not, cause it is not my decision if you read further, it is yours, like with all the texts I write, have written. If you read them or not, that is alone your decision, like if you help me, like if you support me, like if you protect me, or Pamela and me. You know, I am just sitting here writing this, not having anything anymore. I have lost, at least it is possible to believe that right now, for me, that I just have lost everything. And that is a very depressing, crushing feeling. Eight years. Nearly 36 years. In vain? Or is everyone knowing about me, about Pamela and me, not accepting anything that would make that sad believe true? It would be hell a lot easier if I would not be so alone the whole time. If I would be part of communities, of the whole machinery showing clearly, without doubt, that they will not leave me behind, that they will not allow Pamela and me having gone through all this in vain. But right now? I have just nothing. And I am writing again about Pamela, without knowing if my only wish is still true, and I have to just withstand this shit here a bit more, and then Pamela is reaching me, getting me out of my suffering and then all the promises made by her to me, will be made true by her, for all times, without ever accepting her and me losing us. That would be wonderful. But in this silence here, in my isolation, I just don't know what direction anymore. I just don't know what I can do anymore. I am really, really trying to do what is right, correct. At the same time I have to protect my work and myself. At the same time I try to trust. But trust is earned, not given. Hell, why is it that I have to deal with everything alone? Why is it not taken care of that my fears are finally gone, and I can withstand everything now much easier then, instead of just letting it getting more spiral out of control? How often do I have to ask for help? How often do I have to ask for not letting me alone with shit? If I would just get everywhere clear, clear message of all is good and fine, that under no circumstances it will be in vain, my fight, if I just would have pure clarity, then it would be all much, much easier. It is no secret where I am, it is not impossible to reach me, why do I get left so much alone?
I don't want to mess up, I want to act correct, right, not destroy my own life, not hurt, harm anyone, especially not Pamela. But, again, I have to deal with everything alone. I really don't understand why I am getting so much left alone, why I don't get real, real safety. Well, maybe it is because it was all in vain? How do I know? What I want is clear, I have never made a secret, indirect message out of it, but only once, in my application, a certain info, about a certain storyline, but Pamela clearly understood. Hell, if I would want to throw it all away, then for sure, I would have deleted Unlocked by now, and certain artworks would not be published anymore. I never made a secret out of it, I never will. But I am nearly broken, I am damn tired, and if that gets not understood, hell, I have lost already, cause I then just seem like a freak.
Can you imagine how it is without the will to be alive find reason after reason, without having even one, to keep on going? No, you can't and that is good, correct, and I wish you that you will never have to find out how that is. Please make sure of that, cause you just don't want to know, believe me.
Well, what I want, that is clear. And for real, if still it is getting made sure with brutal force that Pamela and I will be together, our love is save, cause Pamela really gifted herself to me and no matter what, will never leave me behind, and soon not alone anymore, sure, I have reason to be alive and the more happy I am, the more I can start to let else be of reason again, but all that does not count right now. I need the one reason that is the only wish I have: The woman of my heart. So, what is the machinery doing? If I would not be so much alone, if I would not be left so much in silence, it would help for damn sure hell a lot. It is breaking. It is really breaking.
But maybe that is now my own fault, cause I deleted so damn many EMails in the last few days, that maybe there were several of damn good message? I don't know. Sorry.
But like I have written on Twitter: Maybe the activity regarding a certain artwork was message and I have understood it right? Hell, in the end it does not really matter what I do, cause what I want, wish, hope, fight, worked for is clear: The woman of my heart. And if Pamela can for sure say, claim to be that woman, then I don't have to fear, right? I just want to be happy, too, you know? I don't need cars for that, not a big house, all that does not have value for me. Two hearts, two rings, true love, for all eternity, that, that has value for me, the highest value, the only true value.
No more going to sleep without her, no more waking up without her, no more my birthday without her, no more holidays without her, no more new year without her, no more summer time without her, no, instead only happiness, joy. After 36 years I don't know anymore how that is. For real. I just don't know. How is that? How does it feel? Wonderful, for sure, but how?
Well, in my file I went on to talk about making it all public, cause I just have no other chance. The file was about me being part of the WWE, and I send that all across America, and to other places, hell damn many other places, in hope to have a chance. But now? Is all lost? Will I get left behind? Will I not get left behind? Will I be able to for real, not just in a wish, have Pamela as my wife and so will it be true that I can be happy too, after all these years? What I want is no secret. What I wish for is no secret. But I have to deal here with everything alone. I would really like it to not be that way, cause I am messing up all over the damn place, clearly. I am such a failure, it is really embarrassing. And, you know, the best part about it? I am trying just to act correct. I can only hope that all my failures are just ignored, and Pamela will under no circumstances accept that it is all gone. I mean, I am sorry, but I am suffering for nearly 36 years. Yes, hell sure, I would like to say/write that that is not the case, but, I am sorry, it is just a fact. No matter how much I hate that, it just does not change that fact: For nearly 36 years I am suffering and it made me so damn tired, so damn hating to be alive. And earlier this day? I noticed I have nothing anymore to keep on going, just nothing. Imagine that: You want to get up from your bed but you notice, that you actually don't know why you should, cause you have no reason. If you want, read what I have written on Twitter. Around two hours I have posted about that. It is creepy, scary, and really, really not healthy for someone, you can count on that.
Well, I have only one wish and no matter what I do, I will never give up that wish, cause I have not suffered for 36 years, kept on going all these years, most brutal the last eight years, if I would just let it easy be gone, no. Pamela kept me alive the last three years, but, even I reach my breaking point and that is now reached. But I still try to keep on going, hell, it is written on Twitter. But the time for games is over, I just can't accept that as the only path right now anymore. If the ask of me is, that I keep on going, than I need so brutal help, so extreme safety of Pamela, that there is just no room left for failure. It is not 2021 anymore. I have fallen apart in the last three years, after nearly 36 years in suffering. But I don't want to give up, I don't want to leave so extreme, that I would give up on Pamela and me. What I have noticed this morning, it gave me a fear on a level I never had before.
I felt Pamela and me losing us. If I believe all her messages be true, then, hell, I felt it being more and more gone. I don't want that. I want what she and I have fought for: Our happy together life. Two hearts, two rings, for all time, all eternity, without ever giving up on each other. But I have to go on for that too. Do I regret that in some close future? Or do I not? I can only ask for understanding my situation. I can only ask for really trying to understanding my situation. Because if not, I do just seem like a freak. I know, it is hell a lot asked for, cause no one can really understand how it is to have lost all hope, to be so tired that being alive is just annoying, horror, and I never wish anyone to be able to truly understand, cause it is just never good. No one should be in such situation, no one. So, well, I can only ask for a real try to understand it, and the more help I get, the more support, the more true safety, the more security about it, especially by Pamela, the more easy it is for me. But no one can for real ask me, after all I went through, I still have to go through, that I can just accept a further fight in isolation, without true support. That is just too much asked for, unfair, and no support, no safety, and not really of true help intentions. Well, right now I have pushed aside my tiredness, what is why I have written all that on Twitter earlier. I want to achieve victory in Pamela's and my fight, for her and me. And I hope that anyone who is reading this can understand, for real, my situation. I am not so damn tired by choice.
So, yeah, what I want is clear, what I need is clear. I have to keep going, right? I really hope that you don't understand how much that is asked of me, for real, I hope you don't, cause it will mean that you go through horror yourself or you had to. No one should ever be forced to go through horror, no one of all us who does never harm anyone.
And well, by the way, if you have read this all until this here, thanks. I would never expect anyone to do so.
Well, again, what I want is clear, and I will never give up on it. But I don't need to be alive for that. But, true, I am sure we all can agree to that being dead is, a bit, stupid, right? I mean, it is a bit, limiting, right? And regarding Pamela, sure, it would hurt her a lot if I die. But it does hurt me a lot having to deal with all this shit still, after 36 years, having to witness how around this world cause of my work a good life is true, while I have only pain, suffering, sadness and loneliness. How much, do you think, does that hurt me? I wish every day to be finally the day when her ringing and knocking on my door happens, to finally be with me. This day today is it sadly, until now at least, not, either. Of course not. So, yeah, I have to keep on going, right? Right. Well, it is written on my Twitter profile and I do mean it, for now, I will try, as good as I can. And maybe everyone here reading this, having read this, will make sure that my fight was not in vain, and my only wish will be true.
I just have this one wish: The woman of my heart, finally, with me, and never leaving me alone anymore. I deserve to be happy, too, do I?
Where the wild waters flow,
and
the black roses fail to grow.
Coming out alone out of the dark,
have we survived?
Well, in my file about me back then, I wrote then about Wrestling, about the AEW and the WWE, what it means for me, or had at least. And in the public version of my file I wrote about the hope that who is reading it, will help me to be part of these shows, or at least one of them.
You know, back then, the Wrestling Business was so much part of me, that it was a reason for me to keep going, it always made my pain a bit less severe. But when I wrote my application it was 2021, after my birthday in November, I was born 01.11.1989, and it started, because of my age and situation, just to hurt extreme, so much, that I stopped watching and instead spend around two weeks, or so, without much rest, to create my big file. I was still not part of it and I had to create something extreme to have a little bit of hope. Hope again. I know.
Well, I have written about it, that watching it does not make me be able to relax, to be amazed or so, instead I only get sad, cause it just hurts, so I was still working to be part of it, but watching it? I am not one of the crowd, never was and never will be so. No disrespect, I only do mean it in the sense on which side of the barrier there I need to be. Or needed to be, what is right now more the precise way to spell it. Because now that is nearly gone too.
I have not watched one of the shows for quite some time by now, and although I miss that, I sure do, a bit at least, issue is: My work, my situation. Do I give it a try again, and try to take as much strength as I can from it? How long shall it continue without me having any clear indication of my situation is not in vain? Dammit, can you imagine how much I hate writing that by now? I would, damn sure, really like it to be able to think about tomorrow in the sense of: The shit is finally over, yeah! Can I though? Nah, not really.
Imagine, for real, that something you really liked, something that always made you happy, is suddenly just something that makes you sad. Or, well, don't imagine it, because it shall still make you happy, of course.
Back to back then, right? I wrote there then about combat training and entertainment, and that I am a bit unusual, not really normal when it comes to pain in that case. I just don't really care about it. For example, the same example that is in my application: I would jump from a Hell in a Cell cage, from the top of it. Thinking about Pamela, now, well, maybe I should not want that. For sure I don't want to ever do something that hurts her and I want to believe that she would never want to do something that hurts me, but, the last months now? Hell, it went so much wrong. But can someone really give me shit for that?
I have only tried, the whole time to protect it, the damn whole time, I still do, I still fight for it, but, dammit, what can I say? I have never, never in all these three years gotten anything that would have made me calm, sure, would have meant security and protection, and so, I am sorry, but I find I have not done anything wrong here. It was not three days, not three weeks, not three months, it is three years, soon four. What the hell shall I believe, expect, imagine, understand when I do not receive any message, no letter, no text, no call, no visit in all this time? That there is then suddenly extreme doubt and distrust part of the whole situation, no one can be really surprised about that. So what now? Yes, it went to shit. But if it is true love, and I find it is, then it is possible to save it, and it should be saved, hell, that is why I am writing this here, it is one reason for that, it is my reason, my only one right now, to keep on going. I don't want to lose it! But the time for games is over, I am not in the health situation for that. It is not 2021. Not 2022. It is 2025 and I nearly fell completely apart, what, hell, sorry, is not really my fault. I have not just waited around for 36 years, I have fought as good as I could to finally change my situation, to better, hell, my 2021 file, and I the whole time try to keep it, protect it, us, Pamela and me. Dammit. If that gets not understood, than I have already lost. I have never asked for being in shit. But I am willing to fight it to get better, a last time, but without damn games, dammit. When I write that I am sick, I don't want some questionable profiling about me. When I write that I want clear communication, then I am not asking for further indirect messages. When I write that I am tired of being alive, then I don't want some fortune cookie nonsense. When I write that I need my wife, I want that to be understood serious. When I write that I try to withstand my tiredness, than I that is a fight of me, that is so extremely burdening, I mean, seriously, if someone says that dying is interesting, the hell? If that person is serious, what do you think that person is going through? No one wants to really die. Everyone knows that dying is always a very, damn stupid option.
Like I have written it back in my file in 2021: Dying is just crap, cause it is very limiting what one can do then, and so having the own wishes true, well, is a bit of an issue, right?
Back then I only meant it in the way, the that I do not really care about my well being part, cause of jumping from such a cage blah blah, that I can entertain that way better. I do take a bath, and so on, of course, blah blah, but, well, now, sadly, that turned into shit, extreme.
You know, back then I have written that I would step in, when someone would be in danger on a street, crime and so on and asked: Would you do that? Or would you stay hidden as good as you can in hope not being in shit yourself?
If we don't help, then we do not deserve that someone helps us.
So, will I do get further help? Will I do get real help now? Or will I still get only secret messages? Will I do get still fortune cookie nonsense? Will I get left behind? I hell sure don't know. I will notice, right?
Well, one part to explain, why I have not watched the shows for a quite long time and why I am suffering hell a lot every day, well, I started with this: I have somewhere in 2015 stopped watching the shows, RAW, SmackDown, these shows. Only end of November 2020 I watched again and from then on I started to catch up, from somewhere back then, 2015 to the 30.11.2020 episode of I don't know anymore, every show, every little part of it. Raw, SmackDown, RAW Talk, Talking Smack!, KickOff Shows, PayPerViews, yes, it was something like that back then, and so, well, do the math yourself and, no, I could not just do what I want every day. But still, I did, so much I need that as part of my life. But, well, seems like, after all this time now, after all that had happened, it all is gone now, lost.
My career, how much it made me happy, and, the most sad part: The love that developed between Pamela and me in the meantime, in all these years, when Pamela was always making me keep on going.
Until December 2024 I did not knew that Pamela was doing damn many of her actions because of me, cause I got very sick in 2022 and nearly died, literally. Since then I have to deal with surviving so much. Like I have written: No one just gets tired of being alive so extreme, cause of having just one bad day. It adds up. Until it just gets too much. Well, I kept on going in all these years, cause of her, in the shows know as Bayley, and she was always, the whole time able to make me smile, keep on going, and I kept on going not because of this extreme love I started to feel for her, no, only because out of respect. I had the hope and wish that I could tell her one day how much I respect her, how much grateful I am for having made my suffering hell a lot easier, although not vanished, of course not. That was the only reason I had. That I would find out, if I push now all the doubt and distrust aside, that Pamela had understood a little hint in my application, in my 2021, I just would have not imagined that. I am not so arrogant. For sure not. But then I wrote an EMail in November and November then was full of messages to me and so the truth, hopefully the truth, was made clear: Pamela's and my love. A true love.
I wrote something cause of that in December last year and her actions then? It seems damn far away by now. And it sadly turned into hell a lot of distrust and doubt, cause of my situation, and having gotten nothing of security in all these years. Not one text, not one call, not one visit of her. Instead I fell more and more apart, I died inside more and more and having to deal with everything nearly alone all the time, since eight years, nearly 100% isolation, I turned into a massive failure, while Pamela clearly just believed all is fine. Hell, she did not even tried to find out if I am watching the shows. No wonder I have so much distrust, right? Hell, who do you think is the one hating that fact the most? It is not even Pamela. It is me.
Everyone knows what happens when two hearts in true love are suddenly getting corrupted by distrust, by doubt. No matter what gets done then, it will just get worse. But I don't want to get it more worse. So I have to stop it, I have to try to trust. But how, with hope and distant promises only? That is hell a lot asked for. I do not mean that in an evil, bad, harming, hurting way. But we are talking about some show business and about hell a lot of money. Come on, now, who really, really can not understand my situation about that? Only those who don't know about all the files. But they are public, for some time already and maybe I should have left them the whole time public. So many received my application back then, it would not have mattered much, maybe. What should have mattered much though is the fact that I should have received message, a call or so, as early as possible. It would have prevented all this now, this whole situation.
Because I do truly believe that it is now, sadly, over, cause love turned into distrust, doubt, and maybe even already hate, I don't know. But for me? I will never let that happen, allow. No. I will never put Pamela into a bad light, I will never accept how I feel to be of corruption for her, but I can be angry too and especially when I am in shit, getting left alone. But maybe I am just asking for too much? Maybe I am just once again an idiot? I don't know. If I would have gotten message and so on in all this time before, hell, this all would have been prevented. All would be fine now, for sure. It would be easier, it would be not so much at risk, and for sure not in danger of lost. I don't want it to be lost. I don't want all these years to be in vain. But it is not my decision alone. If my situation does not get understood, than I have already lost. I can only act in the frame that I have, and that is not much. Sadly. I tried to prevent it all, for real, I did. But in the end I am just not perfect and never will be so. Still I have made the whole time clear what I want, still I have the whole time tried to protect her and me and still do so. I can just write it again: I am in shit, real shit. No one gets tired of being alive cause of just one bad day. And all the while I have to witness how across this planet cause of my work gets earned money in extreme amounts, while I have nearly nothing, just promises, distant promises, hope, again, only hope, so do I have messed up here? Judge for yourself, that is not up to me, but I find: No, I have not. And I would give Pamela, no matter what, always the chance, truly, fair, to make right, when she messed up, like I did this morning, earlier today. I do mean it, for real. In true love there are two. And both have to make sure of it never being lost, not just one of those two, otherwise the true love is of question. I do love Pamela as much as I do, and I want to believe all her actions regarding us are true, of true love, and so I just want, have to give her true, fair chance to make right, to protect, save us, otherwise I don't deserve her giving me true chance for making right, protecting, saving us. In true love, there are two. And these two have together make sure of their love not being lost, not just one of these two hearts must do so. I will always give Pamela that chance. For sure I will. Fair and in respect and honor, faith and strength. I never lied to her, never will do so. But if it is all lost now, what can I say? Is it than truly my fault, after all that had happened? I wanna save it. I will fight to save it. It is not my fault that I got tired of being alive. It is not my fault that I got sick. I mean, sorry, but Pamela did not even once tried to find out about me, if I am alive, healthy or so, just nothing. What if I would have been victim in a car crash in that time, all these years?
I was driven over nearly more than 10 times already, cause here it just seems to be of no reason to just drive a car carefully, out of some parking lot or so. Don't know how it is called in English, other countries, but here in Germany there are white stripes put onto roads for walking over, and cars must always get stopped, for someone to walk over, give them way. I was once nearly driven over there, cause that excuse of a living being did not cared and then even honked the stupid car into oblivion, cause I was still not done crossing the street. Being a good person seems to be too much to ask for. Every time a new chance for that. Me, suddenly, gone. Pamela would have not known. And then, after all these years, maybe then, Pamela would have tried to get me, it is time, finally, and then had to find out. So, what then? Let me ask again: Do I have messed up here?
No, this text is not about who messed up, it is about me, a bit more about me, to understand me, to know a bit more about me, and to understand why I am tired, and so some of my actions. I do love Pamela without limit, on the highest level possible, I can not put it into words. I really want to believe her actions to be true, these regarding us. But why then this silence in all these years? Can anyone really tell me that I messed up, when I have it, because of that, difficult to trust now, that I have these doubts? For me it is much worse than for Pamela, believe me that, cause, yes, it hurts Pamela, for sure, but what if she was and is the whole time honest to me? Because I feel now doubt and distrust shit, I am distancing myself from her more and more. I stopped that this morning. That is why I wrote what I have written earlier on my Twitter profile what is written there now. I don't want to lose it, but it can not go on with games. If in true love the feeling starts that just games getting played, that is very dangerous. I am trying to protect, to prevent further damage and want it all to heal, want it to be true in the way Pamela and I fought, waited, hoped and suffered for, especially I, cause I am since 2022 nearly dead, more dead than alive, without her having found out the whole time, without her having just once asked if I am okay. Still I am here, trying to withstand it, giving her chance to protect and save us, cause of my love to her, how much I do love her for real.
If I push aside all the doubts and the distrust, the pain, the suffering, than I can easy say that Pamela is the most wonderful woman I can think of, know of, will ever be able to do so. But I am not alive to suffer. I am not alive to wait only. I am not alive to only have hope and distant promises. And then these three years. Again: Who really can say/write that I did wrong here? Well, maybe I have, maybe I failed being a good person in that, maybe I am for real just the most biggest failure of all time, and have lost it all now, all I have fought and waited, hoped and suffered for. But, well, so be it then, right? I can not do anything about it. But I do find that I did nothing wrong, and still I do try to protect it.
Well, that is hell a lot about me, right, already? And I could write hell a lot more, but thinking about the time, I better don't do that now, cause I have to buy some stuff, food, although I am barely able to eat something. Even smallest amounts are a real challenge for me by now. But I have to try, right?
I will in the next few days keep on writing this text here and will post when I have done so and to anyone having read this all: Thanks that you invested the time in that and maybe, maybe you too will help that Pamela and I will not be lost. I, for sure, love her as much as I do, wrote over and over again, and I try to withstand all my pain for her being able to reach me in time, get me out of this shit here. But if I have lost now all I fought for, if I have lost her now, then, well, I will not start another battle about that, that is just not my right. In true love there are two. Right now I want to believe that all is good, and that no more games mean that every step must now take with great caution, otherwise she and I are for real lost. I don't want that. I never asked for my shit situation. I for nearly 36 years try to prevent further and further damage, I got back from my step of dying over and over again, in the last three years several times, around 20 times or so, at least, I don't know. Because of Pamela, just to tell her how grateful I am that she made my pain less severe and how much I respect her. Now though, I hope I can have her close to me, in the true love of her and me. But there is just no more room for games. I am nearly broken, as sad as it is that I have to admit that, but I at least can do so, and not just hide it. Because as much as I find I am a failure for that, it gives truth, it gives knowledge and so, understanding, hopefully. And I have never, no matter how much rage mode style I wrote some of my messages, made clear that it is for me over. And I do find that I had the right for every of these messages, for in respect and honor, in faith and strength, there is not really room for such behavior, behavior that puts two hearts in true love at risk. I would never do so, what is why I have not written with one word that I am done with her, no, and what is why I have forgiven not only after 12 hours some real shameful shit, and everything else. Cause all that just does not matter, if Pamela and I for real will have our together, happy life. But that just does not depend on me alone. In true love, there are two. If have forgiven everything this morning, and I am, in a last try, and that is really a burden, pushed aside my tiredness, and try to make it not be part of me. But I can not go on forever like that. And I don't have to. If me being alive does only mean suffering, pain, than I can just leave. But I don't want to leave. I want to make Pamela happy, want Pamela's and my happy life. It is all I fought for, for all these years. And I am still fighting for it. But, as much as it hurts, this is the last time I try it. If the games so continue, than I am sorry. Someone does not get as tired of being alive as I am, because of just one bad day. It adds up. Over time. Until it gets too much. But I try, for a final time. No more games. Serious help, serious strength. Distance closing ASAP and in the meantime protection, saving of us, as good as possible. I find I have the right to ask for that. I am in shit for 36 years and I the whole time fought for it to be finally over. Without rest, without hope, without good news, without the end of it in sight. For nearly 36 years. Still I came now back, in a last attempt, cause of how much I love Pamela. It is worth it. But my suffering must end ASAP, cause Pamela and I are doomed, lost otherwise. I am not alive to suffer. I am not alive to wait only. But, for sure, Pamela does not have a true chance, if I die before Pamela can try to protect, save us. So the chance is given, since hours already, and I will find out if I do have to regret that or not. I hope not, cause all I told Pamela about how much I love her is just true. No more games. Instead: Respect, Honor, Faith and Strength. In true love there are two. I want it to be true, Pamela's and my happy life, our paradise, but my life is not a waiting hall torture chamber, where I have to suffer only. So, for now I will go on, continue to fight, but I do not make promises about it anymore, cause I never broke a promise and I will not start doing so.
Well, now it is possible to say, but was Victory, what I wrote some while ago, not a promise too? Yes, it was. But I made that promise in believe of Pamela's actions regarding us are true. If they are true, all her promises to me and so on, than sure Victory is true still, otherwise I would break a promise, and I will never do so, especially not one I gave her, cause it would mean I violate her and I will never violate her, cause that would mean harm, hurt to her, and I will never hurt her, harm her. In true love is no space for abuse, for shame, for violence, for suffering. Only respect, honor, faith and strength should be part of that, in forever protection of each other, no matter the distance. Money, nothing else, can true love ever make true again. It is a gift that must get protected, always. And I would therefore always give Pamela the chance to make right when she has messed up. Like I did earlier this day. Otherwise I don't deserve her to give me a chance when I have messed up. In true love, there are two. Both hearts must protect it, not just one of these two hearts.
I should for now really make a pause writing this here, stop writing. I gets more and more late, my fingers hurt and I have still to buy some food.
I hope Pamela will not leave me behind and does understand my actions, cause I just tried to protect her and me, like I always did, will do. And although I do find that I have not done anything wrong, as if I want to have distrust and doubt as part of us. No, for sure not. Well, it is written on Twitter. This here is just a text about me, like a diary, to know more about me. And mostly, well, to not get insane, right? Have to stop writing now, for real.
29.04.2025 Entry
Like I have written, I noticed how dangerous the situation was and I for real don't want to lose Pamela's and my happy life. That is why I got up from my bed very fast today, cause I had a very bad sleep night, at least firstly.
After I got it done to check what Pamela has posted on Twitter, what I reposted, the sleeping situation, like always, got much, much better. But because of that I messed up getting up around the time I actually at the latest want to have done so, and that is here 10:00 AM, but this time it was around 10:30 AM. I hate sleeping, for real. It is a massive waste of time.
I got then into a bit of a rage mode again, still I am a bit, while I have made me some goal for today, like to get laundry done. Later I want to get rid of all the mistakes in my first entry of this diary, cause there are quite a lot, as I had to found out.
Well, thinking about the current situation and how I do understand the, until now, last Post of Pamela, I want to believe that all is good and that she is not giving up on us, no matter what happens, just not gonna happen. I had extreme fear of checking that post. I needed several hours to be strong enough for that. Around 05:00 AM, when I just was not able to sleep anymore, I, for her and me, got it done to check it and I hope I did understood it right and since then sleeping was extremely easier, it was like a massive burden was gone. And writing this right now makes me feel it again, our love, all I fought for for her and me, all these years. No, it is not lost. But room for mistakes, just there is not. We have to get it done. We just have to. And if I can be sure of Pamela never, under no circumstances, giving up on us, just not gonna happen, then I can be much, much more calm in my horror shit here. I have even, because of her Post got it done to check my EMail system, cause I don't want to lose Pamela and me, our together happy life. Two hearts, two rings, in all time and space, eternally. I checked it, found out it is just another web.de advertisment for a lottery or so, well, awesome, wasted time, but I got it done to check it. For Pamela and me. Two hearts in true love, both hearts have to fight for it. And so I have to overcome my fears again, otherwise I will run around in circles for real, and that is a massive Rage and Anger circle. No one needs to get explained how much damaging, how much destructive that is. Nah, I need to end that cirlce running, now, and got it done. The Post of Pamela gave me that strength, cause I, for damn real, don't want to lose her and my together happy life, I don't want to lose Pamela and I don't want to hurt her, by being on the edge of "leaving" in some very stupid way. No, I have to fight then as good as I can too.
But the damage caused, by some shit, for real, that was high danger. But, shall it be part of the past, otherwise I spin the situation to it is in the end my fault alone, cause I just could not stop making it topic over and over again. Yes, real shit was done, yes, and I am still in my suffering shit, but it does not get better by me always getting back to that, making it over and over again topic. So, enough with that. I don't want negative shit, I want to heal, need the woman of my heart. Negative shit is just making it worse.
So, thinking about how less the amount of activity now is, regarding some of my Social Media channels, that is, I find, clear indication for the first part of this diary, the first entry, was understood, and send around, or so, but on DeviantArt, in my EMail system, it is quiet again, very quiet, like it was all this time before, but this time, I find, after what I have written yesterday on Twitter, that is a good quiet, cause, well, I have written that in my earlier entry, but, yes, of course, web.de needed to send in all my EMails the same nonsense. Thanks. Well, does not matter, I should not think so much about it, but, for real, it would be really nice if I could open that little box and see something of real, real positive power, about I can just be stupidly happy, like: PAMELA IS ON HER WAY! That would be really nice.
But, well, I am now still here, in distance to her, sadly, but we have to get it done. And so I must be able to withstand that pain, for her and me, and really stop with getting into this really evil rage mode about the last three, nearly four years. That is not of good for us either. And fact is, that I really miss to hear her voice, seeing her, I mean, no wonder, right? I do for real love her as much as I over and over have made clear by now. And otherwise what had happened would have destroyed her and me, but no, I keep her and me protected, our together happy future. I will not, in no space, in no time, never ever, under no circumstances, give up on her and me. Pain and tiredness pushed aside, well, that means, that I need her as much as I have made clear, that I love her as much as I have made clear. Two hearts, two rings, true love, eternally. And so I have to get rid of the negative thoughts, of letting the pain of the shit harm me further. Otherwise we are still doomed, and no, not going to happen. So, I thought about, well, watching the shows again, make that part of my life again, to be able to see her, hear her already then again, in further option for her to make the distance pain as easy as possible, like in all these years, in all this time before. Not really possible when I now avoid the shows, so only via Twitter, in that way at least. I don't know enough about distances and messages, calling and so on, to be able to judge about that, so, for now, I will let that be not of issue anymore, but if I have to find out, it would have been possible, well, the damage that then causes, I better don't think about that now.
Well, the shows, watching them, I have to write about another reason then too: Wrestling was as big part of my life as I have written in my application. It now being so gone, that hurts too. So, what should I do? Should I start watching again? Fact is: I am not part of the crowd, I am not part of that side of the barrier, no. But, going to some Wrestling School in my current situation is just nonsense.
A travel of around 3 hours, with always a chance of not being able to come back, cause of DB, and having then to stay over night in another city, for a price damn high, and then having other costs of that and not really the financial foundation for that, it is just stupid, we all should be honest about that. But my situation here must end, ASAP, especially for Pamela and me, otherwise the damage, the pain, my health, my tiredness, again, I can not and I will not fight it for forever, in my situation here, in my horror here, I deserve that it is finally over. It must finally end the way Pamela and I have fought for, all these years, all this time. ASAP. It can not be longer than a short time, the horror shit here for me, my horror shit situation. So, that means, if I try to think positive about it, that I should not have to wait for long anymore, and thinking about who all is doing Wrestling, on what stupid high level, in what age, well, maybe I do still have a chance. Having my wife close to me, without ever needing to be alone, without her anymore, finally being able to be happy, really happy, every damn second of a day, or at least mostly, well, maybe I can start thinking about me doing Professional Wrestling too again? I mean, is that a realistic thought? I doubt that I will ever even the slightest be good like damn many, for example Pamela, I mean, how many years of training are there involved? How many years of doing it over and over again? I doubt I will ever be able to reach that level, but at the same time? Well, negative thinking is only bringing me closer to a very stupid "leaving" situation, so I have to switch that to positive thinking and so: Maybe I have a real chance here?
Fact just is: The more I avoid what is good for me, the more tired I will get. And I have not really many options here, damn sure not. Not really positive to then limit it even more, right?
Well, while I was trying to write that, first, laundry stuff, and secondly EMail. Something about some Weber Grills. Another waste of time. Cool. Well, I got it done to check it, again, three times in a row, so to say.
The, until now, last Post of Pamela on Twitter. Was it meant for me, another indirect message? It is very easy to say so, and other indications for that are very simple for that to understand too. I mean, no more around 02:00 AM and 04:00 AM EMails. Activity on DeviantArt reduced, extreme. And when I then think about what I have written here and, especially on Twitter, yesterday, I really want to believe, that it is a message to me, even though another indirect, secret one, so to say. But we got it done earlier too. Like in January. Or the two twinkle hearts. The nearly exact copy of sentences of me, just a little bit different. The artworks and some camera positions. All that and much, much more. But that then means that all was now understood and Pamela is trying to protect, save us. That then means I have to make it for her as easy as possible, so I have to make sure too, not just her, that this horror time here for me can be ended with the least amount of further damage possible. Not easy though, for sure not. But "not easy" does not mean impossible. So, if that message was one of those messages, then sure, it made me very calm again. And, maybe, I should then watch the shows again, to make it even easier for her?
Additionally, it was until this shit now always part of my life, a big part, the Wrestling Industry, that Show Business, and having it lost, of course it does hurt. And if I further avoid it, how much more damage will that cause? Just I can not really learn it myself now, well, if the distance, my suffering here, ends for real now ASAP, for Pamela and me, to protect and save her and me, then, well, is it really of issue, when I can not learn it right now? Does not really matter, or does it? I am close to being 36 years old, not 56 or so. And as I would know enough about it to be really able to judge that. So, what do I do know about that?
For Pamela and me, it would be good, for sure, if all the trust and doubt shit is, finally, gone, and she and I will make both sure that it will never be part of us two again, never ever be able to corrupt us again. But, yes, I have to trust her then, for real, otherwise it does just not matter what she is doing to make sure that I can trust her again, and so it does not matter what she does in attempt to protect, save us. It would mean she can make sure I can see her, hear her, and additionally learn from her matches again, too. It all is a combination of good, of positive, and in my current situation there is just no room for negative. And, well, should have negative shit anywhere at anytime space? Nah, I don't think so.
Negative shit is just a massive waste of time and if everyone would stop being negative and protect everyone else, how much good that would mean for all of us, everyone knows that. No more crime, no more war, no more violence, no more fears. Just, well, think about some usual shit in america, in those certain areas, a bullet, cause of a gang war, battle, and the bullet went flying somewhere, hit someone not even involved in the slightest, but while these idiots went on being alive, that person died in some hospital. And why? Because of idiots who are stupid and weak, who hate themselves so much that they over and over again harm others, while at the same time being the most loudest freaks about gotten harmed themselves, if so. We all could have every day in a damn good time. This is one of the reasons why I have written in my application that the show should just continue, no matter where and when, cause it means more time for the show in the sense of more positive entertainment and who is entertained is not on the edge of doing a rampage, a gang war or so, and learns, about respect and honor and so on, and so changes to a better being. It is not the law or state forces who have to do that, who have to teach those lessons, it is not a school alone, not a medical facility with public demonstrations or so, no, it is task of everyone, from the least amount of age to the oldest. Everyone has that as task, cause like a machine is only as strong as the weakest part, a society is only as strong as the weakest of that said society. And so, already cause of that the shows must go on, always, cause of responsibility.
So, well, if I think about Pamela's message, her, until now, last Post, as another secret, indirect message to me, then all is good and Pamela will just not give up on us, no matter what happens, and is in massive fear now every day cause of me losing my will to be alive for a final and without chance to change that ever again message. I don't want to put her into that fear, have her to suffer through that. And that is why I yesterday wrote about that so much, and made clear: A final time, but it must now be of success, for her and me. I don't want to lose her and my happy together future. For sure not. But I have not chosen to be tired. I have not chosen to nearly be broken, completely. I have not chosen to suffer so much. I have not chosen to be in horror. But because I have in strength send my 2021 file, and in strength reached her and in secret she understood and in secret she tried to save us, make me known, well, we have reached this time now. Yes, sure, the last nearly four years without a text and so on, sure, but I have and want to give her chance to explain that, but for that too I have to be alive and get rid, long enough, of my tiredness. When she is making all her promises to me real, then I don't need to fight it in a very short time without her anymore. And then it is easy, cause I don't need to have fear and doubt anymore, for sure not. It just depends on her. But I can not and do not give that chance if I further run around in negativity and avoiding what makes me happy of the little options I have.
So, maybe I should watch the shows again, because of her and because of it had been part of my life and still is. Is that correct to do? Should I not do it, to avoid me understanding wrong again? Should I trust and, like I can, expect that my suffering ends ASAP, to protect Pamela and me, for real, instead of just playing games all the time? By now everyone should have understood, finally. And I, for real, did nothing wrong. It is not easy to say/write that for me, count on that, cause I am very good in trying to spin a situation until only I am to blame, no matter if everyone clearly can ask: No? Still I have sometimes that real strong believe, trying to have it clear in my system: It is now all my fault alone. Stupid, I know, but I do not think about myself in such high, arrogant levels. And if everyone would do so, we never would have war, crime and so on. But, well. So, what do I do now? Should I watch the shows again? Will I regret it, will I don't? Maybe I get a sign to understand what I should do regarding that, maybe not. Maybe I have just to try, maybe not. But fact is, the more I avoid what is good for me, out of the little options I have, the more difficult it gets and the more damage I will receive. So, what do I do now?
Well, having written all this now was really positive. You should try doing that yourself, it really, really is good. It is a damn good option to sort shit out, get rid of toxic shit in your system. Well, I will after I have updated this file put the WWE Network page in my tab list again, but, well, no guarantee. But I don't want to lose Pamela and for sure not that Pamela loses me. After all these years, after all we went through, especially I? No, just no. I will not give up on that and no matter how difficult it will get, but I can just not go on like this forever. 36 years. It must finally stop, in the way I fought for. I love Pamela as much as I have over and over made clear and, yes, she is the most wonderful woman I can think of. No matter how much pain, no matter how sad I am, when I try to get out of that room and watch all the memories and what it all can mean in future, her and me, I just want to leave all the shit behind, all the negative shit, all the pain, the suffering, and finally have her back in my arms. But still my time, her and my time, gets wasted. But maybe, finally, without excuses anymore and the distance is, finally, closed ASAP. But I have to continue, stay alive for that to find out, and for her having a real chance to save us, to protect us, our love, two hearts, two rings, otherwise I would be just a stupid, disgusting hypocritical failure. And, well, her, until now, last posting, if all the past is considered, then it is most likely another message to me, a good one, and it is this:
"I will not give up on us, no matter what!"
If that is true, if I understood it correct, then I have to make sure that Pamela is not fighting alone for us. I have to fight then too, further, for us, with all strength I had and still have, like it is written in Unlocked. Otherwise I would violate her and I will never violate her. In true love is no room for abuse, violence, shame and pain. Instead: Respect, Honor, Faith and Strength. I want to believe that I understood that post correct and so, alright then, the distrust and doubt is now gone, so we both can really get it done, cause I will never violate Pamela and I do love her as much as I do. In true love, there are two and both hearts must fight, no matter if damage was caused by one of these hearts, cause if it was damage that is in the end just no real damage compared, then it is arrogance and violation of the other heart, what will mean further damage. No, both hearts have to fight, forgive and protect each other the whole time, no matter what. So, with this, my message regarding Pamela and me is very simple too: I will not give up on her and me, no matter what. There is no more room for distrust, no more room for doubt. We must get it done, only in positive, the whole time, then we will win, for sure, achieve Victory, in this battle. I will push aside any fear and doubt as good as I can, any distrust shit and tiredness as good as I can, for Pamela and me. Two hearts, two rings, a true and eternal love, in all times, in all spaces, both hearts must fight for that, and never shall any harm be part of it. My choice I made in 2021 and I will never change that. And if I understand the message correct, then I have to fight now, for the last time, but it should then be the last time and ASAP over the way Pamela and I have fought for: Two hearts, two rings, eternally, in all times and all spaces, without chance it ever being lost.
30.04.2025 Entry
After what had happened just some hours ago, what really was an awesome action, I wanna try to trust the machine a bit more, feel a bit more confident.
I have checked again all my EMails, and how many "messages" messages there were, if, I don't know, but thinking about my yesterday entry here it is possible to think about at least two or one as that.
I had already yesterday renewed my subscription regarding the WWE Network and after what had happened last night, just some hours ago, I wanna try to trust the machine, again, feel a bit more confident about that. So, maybe, I will start already today again, to watch the shows. I would "start" with that episode that was the first time a bit like background noise, cause of Pamela's match. I don't want any of her matches to be just like background noise for me. Have to think about that though, cause it is combined still with fear, but thinking about, again, connections, EMails and my yesterday entry here, that is an, interesting, combination, so to say, what I have found in one of my EMail boxes.
I am relatively tired right now, usual sleepy tiredness, while I am writing this, but after I have send the two hearts on Twitter and what because of that suddenly, fast, had happened, it gave me confidence, I was able to sleep relatively good. After all, again, I have to fight too, and so I, well, have to trust and do as good as I can to withstand this shit here. This horror. Funny what I had about that word, Horror, in my EMail system. Well, it is a fact that part of me withstanding this shit is: Trusting. And I really, really wanna believe in good.
This entry will not be like the first two ones, cause I want to work today on Biology of Murder again, the first of the last two chapters, what is already a damn long chapter, maybe I will work on it the next four days, maybe only today and tomorrow, I am not sure yet, until I have finished it. So, I don't want to spend now again two hours writing an Online Diary entry.
But, well, I do trust the machine now a bit again. The last days were, I hope, proving of that I should and can, and about Raw, SmackDown and NXT, well, again, a funny combination of EMails, especially one about Horror, some I have never, in all these years received. And that makes me wonder: Was that a hint? Especially cause of the word Home too? Who is reading my yesterday entry can very easy find out what I mean. It is not really something very extremely hidden, it is, when known these infos, a very, direct, info, so to say. So, I want to believe right now about that: It is the advice, that I should watch the shows again.
- First so Pamela has it more easy to protect, save her and me.
- Secondly Wrestling is part of my life, like I have written it in my application, otherwise I would have never written and send it.
- Additionally I can learn from matches, because training does not just evolve around doing it, and instead studying matches of others, watch them do that craft, is an very important part of it too.
So, I want to believe right now, that these messages where a bit like an ask: Don't you wanna watch again? My answer is: Yes, I want. But I do fear it going hell wrong again. But, well, after what had happened in the last few days, why, well, should it? I have to stop thinking negative, cause negative thinking gets me only into my "leaving" situation again and I do not want to put Pamela into that fear ever again. And I am serious about it, about me having pushed it aside for a final time, in the final attempt to get it done, for her and me, here without her, so that she can for real close the distance ASAP, cause otherwise I would have lied, and no, I will never lie to her. And that now means too, that I have to stop thinking negative, trust the machine too. Not easy, but I am trying. And an awesome move like the message that I received some hours ago is making that possible for me, of course.
And what is still happening on DeviantArt is for sure, machine work, not usual DeviantArt happenings, cause like that it was never in all those years I have a profile there and I had already others. In my application is written about one of those, and that is already for a long time not my profile there anymore. And never it was like right now. It is possible to think about these happenings as a fight ask, and help, reminding, support promise, as the ask of me to just fight it alone, without Pamela, for a very little bit longer, for real not much, and then I am out of this shit, close to her, and my suffering is over. Two hearts, two rings. At least I want to understant these actions as that.
So, maybe, I will watch the shows again. Have to think a bit more about that, but a bit I already made my decision. I want to watch the shows again. I really want. For Pamela and me. My application is serious, not a joke.
And Pamela wrote as answer to a certain question, that she wants to find herself, and the question was about this year. 2025. Not 2026. And because of my situation, there is no more room for mistakes, errors, and the distance must be closed ASAP. I do not deserve this Horror here. And, thinking about that answer from Pamela, maybe I can really believe that it is for real not a long time anymore, until this shit here ends and Pamela gets me out of here, like just some months? Otherwise it would make no sense, the answer, but only if it is combined with great sadness and tragedy for myself. But I don't want to believe that. So, well, what do I do now? Have to make my decision still, but I do trust the machine now a bit, again and, hopefully, I can change that over the next days, weeks, and so on, to 100% trust again. Depends on how much longer I have to be in this shit here.
I will later do some training here, like I will for now very often, some of it every day. In 2021 I did so too and it was, cause of my situation, the only time when I really was able to achieve little victories in physical training, different to since 2022. I will start with little, very little steps again, in attempt to reduce the damage that I receive here every day as good as possible in addition. If the time is for real just some months, a very short time, than it does not really matter that I can not do learn Professional Wrestling right now myself, at least not in a training facility. Watching matches, that is, of course, training too.
I really, really want this shit end in the way Pamela and I have fought, suffered for. I can not really believe right now that this shit will ever end that way, and I do not really dare to think about it in much strength, but that does not change that I want it so. But still I am here, and as long as that is the case, as long as the distance is still not closed, it is just too much to ask of me. And, well, if in the shows had happened now already something what I have written about, well, I am still here. Of course that is not making it better either. But I want to believe that it is not a bad sign. Do not ask me to trust on that now, in this situation, that is just too much asked. Still, I do trust the machine now a bit, again. I will try to stop any negative thinking, cause it will only let me fall back into "leaving" thoughts and so, yes, I try to trust the machine, not much, but a little, again. For Pamela and me.
02.05.2025 Entry
I have again for several hours worked on Book 4. I struggle over and over again to stay calm, cause it makes me extremely angry that my work is so extremely used, while I have to wait. That is just a bad, a really bad joke.
I have gifted, clearly, with my work, absurd amounts of money, absurd good times, I don't know how many have their own life much, much better cause of my work, but I can find hints, clues, over and over again, now knowing it, while, at the same time, I have just nothing of it, but only distant promises, stupid hope. Makes me want again not to watch the shows anymore, and instead just destroy with brutal force all I have created and then kill myself, cause it is such a bad joke.
All these years, I hoped, waited, fought, cried, suffered, came back from my step of dying more than 20 times, because of Pamela, because of gratefulness, because of respect, keeping how much I love her secret but holy, just for this shit situation now? Awesome. It is, for real, beyond me, how it is possible to play with a life so without any responsibility, with, in this case, my life.
All over the world, sold out show after sold out show, good time after good time, every day, seven days a week, four weeks a month, month after month, year after year, for now close to four years. And I have, ehm, what of that? Hope. Waiting. Silence. Promises. You are bloody kidding me.
How much anger I feel cause of that, how much it is danger for Pamela and me, how much I still try to protect her and my love, cause I don't want to lose it, for real, no, but I sit here, thinking about all that and I just feel like I, for real, should destroy it all. I trusted to you all. Everyone. Fair, in respect. And still I am here, having to wait, without the woman of my heart. I wonder how all of you would feel. Sure you would all say it is not that bad, right? I have the strange feeling that none of you feel guilty, are aware of the damage you, for real, caused. Especially the damage to Pamela and me, sadly by Pamela too.
It is not really easy to move away from these thoughts, here, without her. I do fight these thoughts, I want to protect her and my love, don't, for real I don't want to lose this wonderful feeling. Already everytime I saw her, heard her, all dark thoughts, all pain, it was all like nearly, nearly gone, and now it is getting over and over corrupted and I do fear what will happen if this goes on for too long, no matter how much I try to fight it. Yes, sure, if Pamela is aware of the damage she has caused to us, and if under no circumstances she will give up on us and make right, and is fighting for us without rest now and not accepting anything that would make her and my connection be gone, then I try further to push it all aside, away, in attempt to prevent any further damage to her and my connection. But easy it is not, sadly.
I feel myself so absurdly abused, I can not really put it into words. I spent eight years of my life, a life of nearly 36 years of mostly shit, so much that I had already 5 times of self-killing phases, and got tired of being alive in 2022, so much that I just sat around 16 hours a day and stared onto my screen, or at least mostly so. Yes, sure, sometimes I went and bought some food, sometimes I was playing a video-game, but mostly I sat here, with my water-warming-bottle-something-bag and tried to overcome the pain that I felt. That was all. For around at least four months. And now I do know that in all that time when I watched RAW, SmackDown or so, that there was my work used already, over and over again. The feeling of abuse, that I do now have, nearly constantly, 24/7, I can not put it into words. To be very honest about that, after I have now some days tried to overcome it, to keep on going, to do my part, to try to get rid of my fears, to watch the shows again, to start to trust again, actually, why? Yes, sure, because of hope, perfect, because of distant promises, perfect. How, nice.
I fail to really understand what exactly I have to wait for. How many do know about my work? How many use my work? How many abuse my work? How many abuse me so? Why exactly can I not have the woman of my heart here already? Be with her on a world travel until I am allowed to be in America too? Why exactly do I have to wait? For what? While, still, my work is getting used, awesome, extremely good lifes are true, every damn day of a month? I can just destroy it all. I can just do another attack like back then, but this time to destroy. That is some really funny thought sometimes in the last days to me. For real, why do I have to wait? For what? Because of what? Yes, sure, politics, blah blah, yes, sure, contracts, blah blah, WHO GAVE YOU THIS GIFT? So any contract cause of my work, why exactly is that more important than I am, my life, that I am happy, that I have finally an end to my suffering? It is my work. Any contract made, does not mean anything, if I start to just destroy it all. And, to be very clear about that, I sometimes, here, find I should. No one, no one can be pissed about that, cause I am the only one who does not have the own life on stupid awesome good time level, while EVERYONE ELSE does, although it is my work, my work alone. No one can argue that. My application is my work, my first book is my work too, and with that all is said about that, discussion closed. But, yeah, I have to, well, wait. Sure. Instead of, for example, being on a world travel with the woman of my heart, a europe tour, just her and me, so that my waiting time is already over. That is fair, that is right, that would make me it a bit easier to trust again, that would make it easier for me to accept my work getting further used. But, no, until now, nothing. Oh, sorry, sure, waiting, my bad. I have to wait, yes. Sure.
I really, really wanna protect Pamela's and my love, I really do, I don't wanna lose it. I protect it, I treasure it. But simple it is not, all shit considered.
And although I notice the machine working, it is still me who must wait, while sold out show after sold out show, while happy times, good times, for damn shit piss how many exactly? While I have to wait. Funny. The level of anger, the level of abuse, I never thought I would ever feel those two feelings on such a level.
Still, still I try to protect, to treasure Pamela's and my love. I want to have that feeling back, that feeling when I hear her music, her voice, see her, already what I felt in such distance, and it is still in my heart, it is, but right now combined with a massive, very extreme sadness. It is nearly impossible to put into words how much it does hurt. It makes me, when the anger is gone, to be just silent. Me. I want to be just silent, so much it does hurt. Who knows me, does understand, and, especially, Pamela should understand.
Well, I wanted to make some training today, watch the next show episode, draw/paint, move on in try to be as in a good mood as I can, but the more I wrote the book, the more I wrote this here, the more sad, thinking about Pamela and me, I got.
Actually, I don't know what I really should do now, but I have to go get some food. In theory. Gives me pain, so why exactly should I eat? Stupid food.
Yes, I am still pushing my tiredness aside, sadness is not tiredness, but why should I push away the sadness? It hurts, extreme.
I made a massive gift, clearly, especially to all women who hoped and thought about being able to wrestle on high, very high level, and not just getting noticed as a side note, as a footnote, without much freedom in storytelling, and, well, I am very, very happy, that I was able to gift that freedom too, to help massively in that fight.
Sexism can not be allowed to be ever part of any group, society, whatever now. Women deserve baseline 100% respect too and are not born slaves. They deserve freedom in storytelling, in sport and so on too, as baseline birth right, too. Being a woman does not, never, mean to be in obeyship to everyone else, while not being allowed to dream, have wishes and so on. And so, yes, of course, professional wrestling is not something to be denied for women or only to allow in a much, much extreme little frame, without much freedom, damn sure not. Again: Women deserve baseline 100% respect, honor, savety, support too, and they have not to, ever, fight for it. Who makes a woman fight for that, is a shameful disgrace, an excuse of a living being.
And, clearly, my work is extreme big part of that freedom now to be true, and crowds all over this planet, even in some of the "usual" countries do party and cheer, do buy merchandise extreme and give space, right. Money, cash flows, more and more freedom, more and more party time, good time, good life, every day no waste of time. I am happy about that. Really, really happy. But, when am I allowed to be happy?
I have made a massive gift. My work is base, foundation for I don't know how many happy lifes, good times all over this planet. Crowds go wild, crazy like never before, times in the bright lights, away from it, does not matter, it does keep on going: Good times, good lifes. And I?
Sure, yes, true, there are some sad times for everyone in store, yes, I will never argue that, I mean, Rebecca once talked about her father? If I recall correct? Mother, father, sister, brother, son, daughter, friend, friendess, the one one does claim to love in true love or whoever else, everyone can be in shit suddenly. Car crash, sickness, suddenly money issues, drug abuse, a bullet that went flying somewhere, an accident on holiday trip, and suddenly there was this call, after the bright light situation was over and shortly after being backstage again, the message was received and then? All the money, all the bright lights, all the crowds who do party around in the arena, everyone of the little community that is traveling the road, none of them will make the message suddenly change. And, well, there are levels to that, right?
While I am writing this I have tears in my eyes. Yes, I am happy for all of you, that my work is foundation for you all having much more freedom, much better shows, deals for other good times, and can spent every day in good mood, joy, happiness, excitement, that you have a damn good time each. I am happy for all of you. But I? It is my work, after all.
My eight years of suffering, with nearly now four years of over and over coming back from my step of death, dying. Four years, over twenty times, I actually don't know how often, but too often, for already one time is too often. But, well, sure, I have to wait, here, without the woman of my heart. In distant hopes and promises only. Yeah. Sure.
It would made me really happy if I could travel the world next week onward, with the woman of my heart finally close to me and never leaving me alone again, but, since when does it matter what I want, right? Using, abusing my work, and abusing me, for that there is time, for that there is power, money makes the world go round, right? Nah, not so much, it is more like money makes everyone having a good time, with the exception of me. Clearly money just makes me more wait. Why should I actually fight it further? Have a good time everyone, for real, enjoy your lifes, based on my work, while I have nothing of it, but distant hopes and promises.
I do protect and treasure how much I love Pamela as I since 2021 have and will forever do so, cause if I am not mistaken, then she is the woman of my heart, the one I have searched for. But it is up to her to prove that, not I can do that. Still I can protect it, treasure it, how much I love her, and I will forever do so. But I don't need to be alive for that.
07.05.2025 Entry
I went to get some food. I better don't post a photo about how little it is, cause it is just scary at this point in time now. But even that little I have to fight to eat, such a small amount.
Before I went to the damn EDEKA store, I had another rage, anger mode outbreak, system collapse so to say. It makes me talk like I never want to talk, it makes me think like I just don't want to think, but this feeling of abuse, no matter if correct now or not, if really foundated or not, does not matter, cause I am still here, not happy, fact, it is that simple, and so this feeling keeps on to spiral around and now it got so extreme out of control that I am nearly not able to defend myself against it, although I, for sure, don't want to have that feeling, but what can I say?
Nearly 36 years. The last 8 years. The last 4 years. The last 2 years. What can I say? Is there anyone out there who, for real, wants to say, that I have no reason to feel absurdly abused? I am still here. And now it got so extreme that I can not even push it aside with anger, rage anymore.
I got slower and slower on the way to the grocery, and I never have been so slow as I was on my way back. I had the, still have the, extreme feeling of wanting to cry, but I just can't. No more tears left, so to say. I am just silent now. Writing the books makes me feel stupid, thinking too, and the idea of talking, why should I ever do so again? This weird, strange feeling, it got more extreme the more I was making my way through the grocery and then I understood what that feeling is about, shortly before I was on the parking lot again: I am broken.
I always thought it is not possible that I can be broken, but, you all, you made it so, you got it done: You all got it done to break me.
The thought about the last two years, everything that had happened, yes, sure, I want to think about the good parts, especially about everything regarding Pamela and me, but it is just like a burden that I am just not able to carry anymore. You got it done to break me.
If you want, keep on using my work, cause I just have to understand that I will never get out of this here and, sadly, I will never be close to Pamela. I just fail to understand and to know when that will ever happen and my damn life is not a waiting hall. So, go on, keep on using my work and make your lifes, each, as good as you all can, I am happy for you all. I will never be happy, that have you proven to me with the last two years, until now. My fight was in vain, that is, sadly, very clear. I have still no proof, only stupid hints, secret messages and my brain is hunting them all down, collecting them like crazy, insane, like everything that has now to do with two weeks in the meaning of today or tomorrow, or friday, but for sure this week now, this week now is it, the end of my suffering. I can be on my way, or Pamela gets me out of here, what would be much better, but either way: I am finally close to her, my suffering is finally over, the nearly 36 years were not in vain. My brain collects like insane all data that my brain can get, builds this hope construction in such an extreme and powerful way that I just can not anymore defend myself against that too, it is just too much and so I have to admit: I am broken. I have reached my breaking point, went past it. I am sorry. I can not even cry while I am writing this here. There is just nothing left.
I have to accept: My shit situation here will never be over. This is just now the next stupid level of Hope, what for my brain is perfect, but for me it is disaster. No, sadly, it will just go on. Today will pass without the end of this shit in sight, tomorrow too, and friday will be no difference, and then the weekend and so next week was reached and it will just keep on going.
I am sorry, for real, I am really sorry, cause of course I don't want to write something like this here, but I can only act in the frame of what I have and that is now even less. My fault? Maybe. Have I asked for getting abused? No. I have send my application in true fair respect and cause I, what back then I only dared, cause of respect, to write in a indirect message, love Pamela so extremely much like I do, but back then I did not knew that. But over the years it got so extreme, her actions, her voice, how beautiful she is, what a wonderful woman. For sure the woman of my heart. Back then, I only thought negative about myself, that I have with my application embarassed myself, but never I would have thought about this shit now will be reality. But for at least 2 years now how much cash is earned with it, how many lifes I have each turned into extreme high awesome shit stupidity of good time? While I have still nothing of it. Why should I keep on fighting? For more waiting? My life is not a waiting hall. But clearly that is all I can achieve and like it will ever be, cause I fail to understand when the end of this shit is finally reached. And I am done waiting. I am not alive to wait. And clearly I am not allowed to be happy, I have spend the last eight years only to make others happy, and, fine, okay, so be it then. I am not alive to wait. I am tired.
Since last night, Pamela, I miss you so extreme like I did all the time before. Don't worry, I will never break a promise that I gave you. And last night? I kept my phone close to my heart, where the background image is one of you, and, sadly, that is the closest I will ever be to you, clearly. Now, well, some tears and I am smiling, cause of you. I miss you. I love you, Pamela, eternally, on the highest level possible, I will never be able to put it into words. I want to believe that you were the whole time honest to me and that you still are, that you love me as much as I believe, that you have gifted yourself to me. I don't want this shit corruption to go on anymore, and that, that is still a fight I win easy. I hope you can forgive me that I am now broken. I want to be happy too, you know? I miss you, Pamela, and, for sure, I love you, in all times and all spaces, cause you are the woman of my heart. Two hearts, two rings, eternally, and never it will be different, be gone. I will keep it always holy. I love you, Pamela.
08.05.2025 Entry:
Before I went up from my bed I have thought, again, about this whole situation, what is not really of surprise cause, well, it still is not over, like most likely never, sadly. What is not of surprise too is the fact that it more and more corrupts myself, that it, more and more, turns me into a sad, aggressive version of myself, what is really, really scary and for sure not how I want to be. But, well, who would have thought that abuse would have such effect, right? That is something really, really of surprise. Or is not not abuse? Was it the whole time for real only meant positive, still is? Hm, of question, at least very many actions make sure of it being of question. And yes, I am writing this here partly very aggressive, what is the first time in maybe forever or in a damn long time.
I actually can't remember a time when I wrote something after I have gotten up from my bed without being in hope, fight, strength, as good as I can in good mood. How aggressive I am right now, how hostile, so to say, I write this, that is new for me. And for sure it is scary and I don't want that, but, well, what are the reasons why I have written and send my application?
And yesterday, what is really funny not funny, is the fact I have talked with Jasmin D about politics, and around since February this year I was not really following what is happening in that sector, so it was for me a surprise, while not really being one, that on this planet is now another, official war? India and Pakistan? However these two countries called in US English? Maybe Jasmin was not meaning a war on the Ukraine and Russia level, maybe only some minor something, what does, for sure, not make it better, cause any conflict with weapons in hate and murder, leads to, well, murder and rape and never it can be tolerated that something like that happens.
But, well, what is making it funny but not funny at the same time? Well, who does remember my February Diary? My Medical Diary? It is most likely still in the internet to find, cause of the simple fact that nothing in the internet is ever gone, vanished, and so, I am sure, who wants and is able to find it, can actually find it. But why is it now important in that matter? Simple: I have written there about the current situation of the world, politics, and by the way, who is remembering another text I had published on DeviantArt: States of Nonsense? In both texts I have written about politics, war and so on. And, oh, now would we all think about that now? Another war. Like I have predicted. Like I have, well, told you. But is that now the funny part? No.
The funny part is that we shall now all think about my application and my first book Damage Control, about some aspects combined and made part of a show. How much money? How much success? How much more cheering of the crowds? How much more world wide party mode? Do you get it now, what the funny part is? Like Pamela used to put on a damn merchandise option: I TOLD YOU SO! So, now, here we are, at the funny part: How much more do I have to tell you, until you stop waisting Pamela's and my time?
How much more must happen, what I have told you about, until you finally do what is right? Are you doing it already? Are you trying the whole time? Again, there are some parts that make that of question. And I am still here, having to wait, while, seemingly, my prediction of World War 3 gets closer and closer and so it does not really matter if I fight, keep on fighting, if this whole world just makes some stupid nonsense again. Funny, like we are moving back in time here a bit, cause I have nearly the exact same sentence written in my Medical Diary in February. Nearly word after word the same sentence. And now what do we got? Another war! Awesome. Not.
So, even though I keep fighting and try to let the corruption of myself, cause of this abuse, thanks again for that, stop, how about this whole world is starting World War 3 cause of, I don't know, the
- bavarian world domination tour to bring justice, christianity and the October Fest to the whole world in powerful Schlagerterror?
- Or how about France wants to bring some late revenge to Britain, cause of some lost battles on some fields, where some King got an arrow in his head and cause long bows are really shit, and France was proud of their cavalry?
- How about some oil found?
- How about some more religious zeal, fanatical nonsense?
- How about China wants to have the mega dinasty of never unseen level before?
- Maybe Russia will get even more weird?
- Or how about Canada and the USA?
Ehm, yes, I have more examples and I can go into very extreme detail for why it is very likely, cause if you believe some of these reasons up there are nonsense, no, you know shit. Wars have been declared for already much lesser reasons, or, well, excuses, cause, everyone, if honest, knows that nothing of that is ever reason. But who should care, right?
Instead, shall some other unit go over some border and put on video how they abduct women in panic and in vain cries for help, until the car vanishes into the distance, everyone knowing, that if they don't rape them 24/7, like happened in World War 2, maybe reality does have some mercy with these women. Oh, how, nice, right? Well, in the end, everyone knows, it gets fast twisted into, not so bad, just end the war, it is about women after all, just another brutal fuck, come on now, right? Are you excuse of a living being kidding me?
And, yes, it had happened. German women were running for their lifes, when the sowjets arrived, came closer and closer, cause everyone knew what would happen to German women then. 24/7 rape, yes, 24/7, more than fifty times per day, until they got the mercy to get naked nailed to some hospital gate, where driven over with a tank then, nailed to the streets, or thrown into a river next to the building, were left on the bed to die, what maybe was the best option to die for them then, cause at least they were not further tortured until they died and could have then have their twisted version of rest, right? It is just another brutal fuck, come on now. Are you bloody kidding me? Or how about American soldiers forcing German women to sex, cause of
"Be grateful, bitch, cause we gave you freedom back."
It is very "interesting" what was all done back then and what still gets done today regarding women. We have it 2025, are you bloody kidding me? And yes, these are just some examples and only some examples regarding women.
How about heads held high in morning light, cause of religion? How about rockets fired on civilians cause there is one idiot of a terror group amongs them? How about whole homes bombed into a memory cause of the flag is a different one? How about no matter the age and gender, just everyone gets murdered on video, like it is cool, a game, until only blood and more shit is giving some streets a damn sure new style? Yeah, right, shall they all do that and more, cause war is cool!
We learn about that in movies, video games and so on or not? Like often in Twitch Streams said:
"... in the game! Lol."
Paradox knows a bit about that. So, yeah, war is cool, right? All these bastards and bitches who run around in some Battle Royal Mode, these cool, shit one-liners they vomit into the world, like war is just like running around in a Unreal Tournament Mode gotten real.
Makes me wonder, if war and violence is so damn shit piss cool, glorified on such a high level, why is there not until now the "Rape that whore now!" button put into these games? Just like a mini-game in the game, force a gun to her head, and then rape that whore like a good woman needs it, some brutal, violent fuck, right? It is no rape, it is justice, right, cause every woman wants it, or not? As often as violence towards women is getting done on this planet, I wonder why there is not already the "Rape all women you want!" simulator on steam, with high score and the more brutal the bitches get violated, the better, with world-wide ranking display. Would not every woman cheeer for that? Buy it for their abusers, for the ones who they run back to over and over again, after they got finally out of some hospital again, cause the domestic violence, well, whups, got a little bit out of control? No? Huh, why is that? Are you all now bloody stupidly kidding me again, for real?
Do I have to write on some shit piss big building I TOLD YOU SO, so that you can from America see it, here in Germany, when the big massive shit final war has started? How much more do I have to tell you all, how much more often do Pamela has to put on some damn shirt I told you so, until you all, for real, finally, get it, in what dangerous situation you keep her and me? It is not only about my health, my dangerously draining situation here, it is about this whole world too! I have written about that in my Medical Diary already, go and read it, again, if you have forgotten! I told you: If it does not finally stops, maybe this world will make sure of Pamela and me having our future in tragedy! And, oh, now what? From February fast forward to now, oh, another war! Yeah! And do we want to talk about the overall political situation of this world? You are, fact, playing with her and my life.
The only good part about that shit now is that it was for me some further wake up call. I can just not sit around here and let the abuse of her and myself keep me in corruption of myself, already alone cause I noticed what it more and more turns me into: An angry, sad version of myself, who is not much me anymore. So I have to stop that, for Pamela and me, and I will fight that shit as good as I can.
Another reason is: The whole situation of this world, what makes me wanna smash heads against walls, until they finally understand what disgusting excuses of living beings they are. Playing with someones life, no matter if just wasting time with the voids of having again in some office lost documents, cause who cares, or in war or however, does not matter: Never it is right to play with the life of someone and who does that is not better than the most evil persons, who did the most evil crimes. No religion, no ressources, no whatdamnshitpissever is of reason for harming, for accepting to play with the life of someone.
So, for real, I hope, that you all can honestly say that you have never wasted even one second of my life and are, for real, trying as good as you can, to protect Pamela and me, and to close the distance between her and me as fast as you can, end my suffering shit here as fast as you for real can. But I have the strange feeling that when I keep asking, get more and more info, that it will come the moment where I can ask: "Wait, it was possible earlier, or not?" And then what?
I have told you all before, I do trust you, not much, cautios, but I do trust you all, still. I maybe will from today on watch the shows again, to keep my sanity, to stop this corruption of myself that you all with the damage you caused started. For Pamela and me I have to fight it as good as I can. And, maybe, or most likely, I should get back into getting info frequently about politics, cause, that we have now another war on this planet, if Jasmin gave me info correct, then my next prediction about this planet got real. No, not cool! Predictions out of that box I want to write on a wall as WARNING and damn sure not with later then the litte addition I TOLD YOU SO.
Dammit, I write this here in so much anger and rage, that is not normal for me, and I have to for real stop this corruption of myself and I try, I do try. But you don't want to let me find out that the distance between Pamela and me had been possible to be closed earlier, if that is the truth there. If not, fine. If you are really trying, fine. I have to and want to be fair. But do you hear them, already? The bells of doom? Damnation? Like I have written it back then: My health is not really of issue, of matter, if this whole world just starts the big fireworks party, and this time it will not be the first part of a movie series, like was done with World War 1 and 2, this time it will be the final battle, a battle that for sure will be on the level that a war is, with now, finally, everyone for real understanding: Everyone will lose. It will be, on this planet, for sure, the war to end all wars, cause no one will be left to start another one.
I have lost 36, nearly, years of my life, nearly 36 years! Can I have finally my happy time too, Pamela's and my happy time? I can fight my health shit, that is compared easy! But I can not stop a world war alone! And if I get just murdered in such stupid shit, I wonder what all of you will then tell Pamela! Or if Pamela gets murdered in such shit, what will you all then tell me? I have written about that in February already, I have warned about that, predicted it, told you all about that it is getting just worse! Fast forward. So now what? You are playing with hers and my life. I hope you are for real trying to protect and save her and me. But, question is, do you? Or is there option to doubt that? Well, fact is, that I have to fight my shit, that is for sure, cause this world again is on the fireworks trip. I have written about that in February.
I have to stop the shit corruption of my system, cause, yes, you all abused me extreme, and I will maybe not ever forgive you all that, depends on how much longer I have to wait, but that does not change the fact that I have to fight that anger and sadness, cause it turns me into some shit version of myself. That is not how I am. I try to push it all aside, as good as I can, even though I can find no words for the level of abuse feeling that I have. But, well, I can run around in circles or stop it, and I want to stop it. I will try as good as I can. But my life is not a waiting hall and all shit considered, it is just a fact: You are playing with hers and my life. Well, sure, maybe you are not, maybe you are for real trying as good as you all can, and if: I am damn sorry for all shit I have given you all. But Jasmin D sat here yesterday and told me about politics and never, never in all these years I know her already, she had so much fear about that. So, I don't know, right now, what the shit is really going on across this planet, but I have the strange feeling that when I check it, find out, I will be able to say again: I told you so.
Stop wasting Pamela's and my time, if you still do so, or you make me so hostile, that even back in November that was just a joke compared. Still I am able to forgive, still I am able to forget. But I can change that. Playing with a life is never correct, is never possible to justify and I know how this all here sounds, or at least most of it, but I am not one of those making stupid decisions, who put others in risk over and over again. My health does not matter if someone drives me over with a car. My heath does not matter if a nuclear bomb is dropped close by. Please, everyone, do me the favor and get for a brief moment at least out of your little save space and look, find out, what danger you are accepting for others over and over again, while you are "save" in your life.
I have to fight now, to stay healthy enough and to not let this abuse shit corrupt me any longer. This sad and angry version of myself, that is not me. I have just no words for this whole situation, for sure not, and now this further shit with politics. Holy hell. For real, I want to smash so damn many heads against some wall, until understanding is illuminating the area more than a sun can do, but that is just another waste of time. I could spend time with Pamela instead.
So, while all of you have your good life, I have to keep on running through my shit here, thanks for that, but maybe, SOMEDAY, this shit will stop and I have the woman of my heart close to me, without ever leaving me alone again. Maybe that day will come. But my trust in the machine is nearly gone to zero at this point now, but, well, close to zero is not zero, right? I feel extremely ashamed for having you all given that massive gift, with the exception of all women, especially Pamela, cause women do know about abuse and shame normally as best as no one else ever and no matter how much shit I have to go through, to fight, I don't want to accept, ever, any woman to suffer, cause the suffering of a woman is normally based like a stamp on their foreheads, where then is written WHORE or so, and it just is normal.
No, I will never accept even the slightest bit of sexism, no matter how shit my situation is, and it hurts me still and will forever hurt me, how Pamela sat in that interview segment and said:
"... I am just not like that ..."
while I am at the same time without level proud of her having dared to say that. I will always fight for her rights, and I will never accept Pamela in shit. So, no matter how shit my situation is, that is never for me reason to put her in a bad light.
I love you, Pamela, eternally, and if you ever worry that the moment you can run towards me will be of sadness, no, it will not. At least not if the distance is closed ASAP, for real, and I don't want to see in your eyes then the fear of having guilt or so, no, get rid of that! I trust you on trying to protect us as good as you can and that you do fight for us as good as you can, and if you do so, then there is no reason for guilt in your eyes. Let me, my love, see there how much you love me, that you have gifted yourself to me, without any corruption of guilt and shame. No reason for it. And show it me in distance already, cause, for real, this wake up call, holy hell, we have to get through this as best as we can!
So, yes, I have to get out of this shit, I do really have to. I have to watch the shows again, most likely, I have to trust again, most likely, otherwise I do get turned into someone who I am not. That shit must stop too. Finally. I am afraid of these words, for sure, cause I am still here, but what can I do? I only have the option for keeping on going, but then I have to try to trust. Otherwise it is just getting worse, cause the abuse feeling will just not stop. It will get, instead, more and more worse. That is really scary. And the political shit too.
I hope, that you all have finally, for real, understood what damage you have caused. That is not sign of respect, of honor, that is only, only sign of abuse. But fine, cause I noticed how much it corrupts me, I most likely have to forgive it now and trust, cause of what it turns me into otherwise: A sad, angry version of myself, getting more and more quiet and walking around in some space away from reality. That is not how, who I am.
At the same time I feel completely stupid for having written that, cause my suffering is still not over, but, again, I am the one having to work the most, of course. As if nearly 36 years were not enough, but, fine, I guess. Right? Already the situation that I am watching Let's Plays, in German, instead of Wrestling Shows Episodes, when I am forced here again to have some video watching time, no, instead I am watching some of the most least interesting videos for me: Let's Plays. Yes, sure, that does not mean complete not of interest for me, no, but, compared? I feel so horrible stupid in this whole mess, it is absurd. And still it is, again, me, who must now make the choice between giving up and keeping on going, cause of stupid Hope, cause I will not find out if Pamela and I will have our together, happy life in true love, two hearts, two rings, if I just don't keep on going. But can you imagine, after all that had happend in the last weeks, months and especially the last two years, how stupid I feel about that, having now reached such a point in time, again? I feel like an idiot. Okay, fine, I keep on going, while I STILL have to wait, fine. And all I get is some indirect messages, while good times around me are true, with the exception of me, cool, awesome, nice, perfect. I feel so horrible stupid, I can not write how stupid. But, yes, I know, I have to keep on going, right? While I am writing this, I rather want to destroy it all, for real. I feel like I am the biggest joke of all time, for all of you. That you all have the best and most awesome laugh cause of me. Thanks for that.
I keep on going, of course I do, cause dying is lazy and I trust on Pamela closing the distance and making right, forever making me happy, never leaving me alone again. I will not find out if I die like a failure. But my health is not really of issue, if this world just starts the biggest and most awesome fireworks party of all time, the one where there will be no further one, cause no one is left to start that. Well, at least there is then finally peace on this excuse of a planet, right?
I miss you, Pamela. And I am damn afraid regarding us both. What I want, you know that. What I need, you know that. And you do know too that on this planet are enough who just don't give a shit, so, well, how much more time do we both have to lose? I don't know how much time you have lost in your life, but I have lost nearly 36 years by now. And I know that I have put your life on higher and higher level, while I am still in far, far distance to you. Still, I am happy about that, cause you deserve freedom too, respect, honor, protection and savety, for sure you do. And I do still and will forever love you, Pamela, as much as I do, on the highest level possible and so you don't need to post something about me please not quitting or so, I will not, I can't, cause of you, for us. But, sure, it is wonderful that you do, it is sign you care, it is sign you are trying to not let me alone, so, do not twist it. But, still, remember: Have me let my five minutes of stupid idiocy and done. What failure I would be, if I allow myself to lose you, after you have gifted yourself to me? You, the most wonderful woman I can think of, will ever be able to think of, have gifted yourself to me, what, for all times, will prevent me doing such stupid shit, cause if you lose me, we both lose us. Let me have my five minutes of stupid shit, in this shit here no wonder, but you know the truth. I need you, I miss you, I fight for you, I keep on going for you, cause of you, cause of us, cause I love you so extreme as I have over and over again made clear. You are such a wonderful woman, so without possible to put into words wonderful, and I know that already in this distance, cause I know you. I keep on going, always, for you, for us, but I do need rest too. I need to be happy too. Not SOMEDAY, soon. How much more time we both have to lose? It is in your power, not in mine. I can only, right now, write a text like this here, nothing more I can do. This time, my love, it is not me who must get you out of somewhere, this time you must get me out of shit. Be sure, I love you, for all times, in all spaces, cause you are the woman of my heart. I miss you, extreme. I love you, Pamela, eternally.
08.05.2025 Addition:
My Online Diary is from now on closed, cause writing these Entries is mostly more damage, more running around in a circle. That must stop. I wanna give, write positive messages, not mostly messages of pain and suffering. So, from now on, my Online Diary is closed. There will be no other Entry of me here.
Copyright and so on: Whatever is written about that here is not actual info. Only what is written in on my Business Page is legal info about that.